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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Old Gypsy Woman Run Over Without Consequence

CHICAGO—Area motorist Moe Balaczs is not showing any signs of weight loss, suppurating lesions, dementia, blindness, or any other grave maladies two weeks after maiming an 83-year-old Gypsy woman with his Ford Excursion. "I have to tell you, it's a relief to suffer no repercussions after dragging a wizened crone in a black babushka under my truck for a block and a half," said Balaczs, who did not report the accident in an effort to escape arcane retaliation. "I really thought I'd be vomiting scorpions and weeping centipedes by now." Balaczs added that, now that the old superstitions about curses and "evil eyes" have been proven to be wives' tales, he will not be concerned about running over old gypsy women in the future.

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