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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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'Old Milwaukee Book Of World Records' Confirms Title For Most Punches To Shoulder

MILWAUKEE—In a ceremony held Tuesday at Milwaukee City Hall, local resident Phillip Schneider, 27, was officially recognized by the Old Milwaukee Book Of World Records for being punched in the shoulder the most times in one hour. "We are proud to bestow this honor on Mr. Schneider after he withstood 29 strikes to the upper arm from his friend Mike, who is a pretty big guy," OMBWR committee chief Gerald Foster said of Schneider's feat, which beat the previous record by four punches. "Congratulations. Please accept this six-pack and a $15 gift certificate to Shopko." Schneider's achievement completes a busy week for the record compendium during which Laura Penipeno of Winnebago, WI was given the title of "World's Tallest Cashier" and Dave Pinski from New Berlin, WI was honored for having the world's coolest idea for a stunt.

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