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'Old Milwaukee Book Of World Records' Confirms Title For Most Punches To Shoulder

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Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
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'Old Milwaukee Book Of World Records' Confirms Title For Most Punches To Shoulder

MILWAUKEE—In a ceremony held Tuesday at Milwaukee City Hall, local resident Phillip Schneider, 27, was officially recognized by the Old Milwaukee Book Of World Records for being punched in the shoulder the most times in one hour. "We are proud to bestow this honor on Mr. Schneider after he withstood 29 strikes to the upper arm from his friend Mike, who is a pretty big guy," OMBWR committee chief Gerald Foster said of Schneider's feat, which beat the previous record by four punches. "Congratulations. Please accept this six-pack and a $15 gift certificate to Shopko." Schneider's achievement completes a busy week for the record compendium during which Laura Penipeno of Winnebago, WI was given the title of "World's Tallest Cashier" and Dave Pinski from New Berlin, WI was honored for having the world's coolest idea for a stunt.

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