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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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'Old Milwaukee Book Of World Records' Confirms Title For Most Punches To Shoulder

MILWAUKEE—In a ceremony held Tuesday at Milwaukee City Hall, local resident Phillip Schneider, 27, was officially recognized by the Old Milwaukee Book Of World Records for being punched in the shoulder the most times in one hour. "We are proud to bestow this honor on Mr. Schneider after he withstood 29 strikes to the upper arm from his friend Mike, who is a pretty big guy," OMBWR committee chief Gerald Foster said of Schneider's feat, which beat the previous record by four punches. "Congratulations. Please accept this six-pack and a $15 gift certificate to Shopko." Schneider's achievement completes a busy week for the record compendium during which Laura Penipeno of Winnebago, WI was given the title of "World's Tallest Cashier" and Dave Pinski from New Berlin, WI was honored for having the world's coolest idea for a stunt.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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