adBlockCheck

Local

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
End Of Section
  • More News

Old Photographs Reveal Grandmother Never That Attractive

POCATELLO, ID—Family members gathered around a photo collage of matriarch Maria Esquivel, 85, were surprised to learn Tuesday that she was never really very beautiful. The faded black-and-white photos revealed that, in childhood, her plain brown eyes did not have a mischievous twinkle, and in adulthood, her stout body and broad features placed her roughly in the 45th percentile of feminine attractiveness. "Wow, she was so plain when she was younger," confirmed Esquivel's granddaughter Carrie, as she stared at the photograph, wide-eyed. "Guess grandma was never much to look at, huh?" Upon completing the trip down memory lane, family members ran their fingers across the precious photographs once more, quietly thanked God they got their grandfather's looks, and put the photos back on Esquivel's casket.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close