Old Photographs Reveal Grandmother Never That Attractive

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Vol 47 Issue 21

Restaurant That Never Has Customers Celebrates Fifth Weird Year

CHICAGO—The Royale restaurant near Rogers Park commemorated its fifth weird year of business Monday the same way it celebrated its opening: with a vague attempt to attract customers by stringing brightly colored plastic flags from the mysterious eatery's storefront to a nearby utility pole.

Al-Qaeda's New Leadership

Following Osama bin Laden's death, the Egyptian-born Saif al-Adel has reportedly been named interim leader of al-Qaeda.

Smallpox Destruction Delayed

The World Health Organization has delayed until 2014 its decision on setting a timetable for the destruction of its storehouse of the smallpox virus.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Old Photographs Reveal Grandmother Never That Attractive

POCATELLO, ID—Family members gathered around a photo collage of matriarch Maria Esquivel, 85, were surprised to learn Tuesday that she was never really very beautiful. The faded black-and-white photos revealed that, in childhood, her plain brown eyes did not have a mischievous twinkle, and in adulthood, her stout body and broad features placed her roughly in the 45th percentile of feminine attractiveness. "Wow, she was so plain when she was younger," confirmed Esquivel's granddaughter Carrie, as she stared at the photograph, wide-eyed. "Guess grandma was never much to look at, huh?" Upon completing the trip down memory lane, family members ran their fingers across the precious photographs once more, quietly thanked God they got their grandfather's looks, and put the photos back on Esquivel's casket.

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