adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Old Red Sox Uniform Only Outfit Left In Mo Vaughn's Closet

NORWALK, CT—Former MLB slugger Mo Vaughn awoke Tuesday morning to the grim realization that the only clean outfit remaining in his closet was his old #42 Boston Red Sox jersey and matching baseball pants. "Well, I'm just going to look stupid if I don't wear stirrups with this," Vaughn said to himself after changing into the uniform, buckling his belt, and looking through his old shoeboxes to find his good metal cleats. "And I may as well wear my Red Sox hat while I'm at it. And some eye black, since it's pretty bright out. Good thing the laundromat is only 15 blocks away." Vaughn, who carried his load of dirty laundry down the street in his old Wilson bat bag, said he couldn't wait to have his full wardrobe cleaned so he could switch into one of his less-embarrassing, roomier Angels or Mets uniforms.

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close