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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Old Refrigerator Unable To Control When It Releases Water Anymore

ODESSA, TX—In the midst of yet another embarrassing clean-up, local woman Melissa Crosby, 43, told reporters Thursday that her old refrigerator has completely lost the ability to control when it releases water. “At first, I’d notice a little bit of condensation trickling off the door every now and then, but lately there’s been a giant puddle seeping from its defroster tube just about every morning, the poor old thing,” said Crosby of her incontinent household appliance, while using a bath towel to soak up the growing pool of liquid emanating from the 25-year-old icebox. “I feel bad having to clean up after it and keep it dry, but I’m not sure if there’s anything else I can do at this point. This fridge is getting up there in years, and certain functions just break down after a while.” Crosby added that her aging refrigerator’s involuntary leakage has been made even more humiliating in light of a recent power outage that caused the appliance to discharge the contents of its freezer compartment all over itself.

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