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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Older Brother Playing With Younger Brother On Swing Set Will One Day Con Him Out Of $50,000

AUBURN, ME—Sources confirmed today that the smiling 3-year-old boy happily playing with his 7-year-old brother on their family’s backyard swing set will, in a few decades, be swindled out of $50,000 by the sibling currently giving him a big push. “You wanna go higher, Tom-Tom? Higher?” said the older brother, using his affectionate nickname for the same individual he will one day dupe into sinking a substantial sum of money into a bogus portfolio of Florida real estate futures that is in fact nothing more than a garden-variety Ponzi scheme. “Whee!” At press time, the older boy, who by middle age will become so mired in debt and desperate to escape his disreputable creditors that he will beg, borrow, and steal from everyone he knows just to keep his head above water, was pouring his younger brother a glass of apple juice.

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