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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Older Brother Playing With Younger Brother On Swing Set Will One Day Con Him Out Of $50,000

AUBURN, ME—Sources confirmed today that the smiling 3-year-old boy happily playing with his 7-year-old brother on their family’s backyard swing set will, in a few decades, be swindled out of $50,000 by the sibling currently giving him a big push. “You wanna go higher, Tom-Tom? Higher?” said the older brother, using his affectionate nickname for the same individual he will one day dupe into sinking a substantial sum of money into a bogus portfolio of Florida real estate futures that is in fact nothing more than a garden-variety Ponzi scheme. “Whee!” At press time, the older boy, who by middle age will become so mired in debt and desperate to escape his disreputable creditors that he will beg, borrow, and steal from everyone he knows just to keep his head above water, was pouring his younger brother a glass of apple juice.

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FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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