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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Older Brother To Attempt Unmanned Bike Mission Into Ravine

VERONA, WI—Robbie Bovy, 13, announced his intentions Monday to launch his brother's Schwinn BMXpert into a ravine near the East View Heights subdivision. "For the first stage, your bike will be powered by me," the older Bovy said at a backyard press conference while seated on his brother's chest. "Then, just before I hit the ramp, I'm gonna jump off and watch it totally endo into the rocks. Got it? Got it?" Bovy's intra-ravine mission is part of an ongoing exploration program that began in 2002, with the deployment of seven of his brother's plastic army men down the toilet.

After Birth

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