After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Older Cousin Thinks It About Time To Have Uninformed Sex Talk With Area 8-Year-Old

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that his younger cousin Alex Connors had nearly completed second grade, local child Peter Brooks, 10, told reporters Tuesday that he believed it was time for him to sit down with the 8-year-old and have a frank, completely uninformed sex talk. “It’s a big day in a boy’s life when his cousin takes him behind his parents’ garage, sits him down, and shows him a picture of a naked lady he ripped out of a magazine he found behind the baseball field, but I really think Alex is ready for it,” Brooks told reporters, noting that he hoped to answer all of his cousin’s burning questions about procreation, pregnancy, and “how far you put it up there” by drawing on the vast misguided knowledge of human sexuality he had gleaned from classmates’ hearsay as well as 12 minutes of a Real Sex episode he watched in a hotel room once. “The fact is, Alex is at the age where he’s going to find out one way or another that every time people have sex the woman has a baby, and I just want him to be completely prepared before getting naked with a girl and humping her until stuff comes out. Honestly, I wish someone had been there to explain it all to me back when I was his age.” The 10-year-old concluded by assuring reporters that he was well prepared for the talk, having had sex with girls himself on “tons” of prior occasions.

After Birth

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