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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Olive Garden Voted Best Italian Restaurant In Annual 'Milwaukee Magazine' Awards

MILWAUKEE, WI—For the second straight year, Olive Garden took top honors in the "Best Italian Restaurant" category in Milwaukee Magazine's annual "Best Of Milwaukee" poll. "For authentic Italian cuisine and friendly service (they call it Hospitaliano), the Blue Mound Road Olive Garden is the one to beat," wrote the magazine, whose readers voted for the chain restaurant over such local stalwarts as Mimma's Cafe and Balistreri's. "Once again, Olive Garden is Milwaukee's finest." High marks were also given to the Mayfair Mall Chi-Chi's, voted "Best Date Spot" for the third year running.

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