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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Olympian Has Always Dreamed About One Day Having Fun With Friends

SOCHI, RUSSIA—U.S. figure skater Polina Edmunds confirmed Tuesday that, even as a little girl forced to mold herself into a champion in hopes of someday achieving success on her sport’s highest stage, she has always dreamed of one day relaxing and having fun with her friends. “For as long as I can remember, I’ve only wanted one thing: to take off my skates and hang out with friends like a normal 15-year-old,” the Olympian told reporters during an uninterrupted 14-hour practice session. “Truly, ever since I was 20 months old and my parents put me on the ice and told me I wanted to be a figure skater, I’ve always pictured myself someday playing, watching TV, and goofing around with other girls my age, all without having to think about triple lutzes and constantly monitoring my weight. That would be so nice.” At press time, Edmunds’ trainer was ordering her to stop talking to reporters and perform 300 stag jumps.

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