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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Olympian Has Always Dreamed About One Day Having Fun With Friends

SOCHI, RUSSIA—U.S. figure skater Polina Edmunds confirmed Tuesday that, even as a little girl forced to mold herself into a champion in hopes of someday achieving success on her sport’s highest stage, she has always dreamed of one day relaxing and having fun with her friends. “For as long as I can remember, I’ve only wanted one thing: to take off my skates and hang out with friends like a normal 15-year-old,” the Olympian told reporters during an uninterrupted 14-hour practice session. “Truly, ever since I was 20 months old and my parents put me on the ice and told me I wanted to be a figure skater, I’ve always pictured myself someday playing, watching TV, and goofing around with other girls my age, all without having to think about triple lutzes and constantly monitoring my weight. That would be so nice.” At press time, Edmunds’ trainer was ordering her to stop talking to reporters and perform 300 stag jumps.

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