adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Olympian Has Always Dreamed About One Day Having Fun With Friends

SOCHI, RUSSIA—U.S. figure skater Polina Edmunds confirmed Tuesday that, even as a little girl forced to mold herself into a champion in hopes of someday achieving success on her sport’s highest stage, she has always dreamed of one day relaxing and having fun with her friends. “For as long as I can remember, I’ve only wanted one thing: to take off my skates and hang out with friends like a normal 15-year-old,” the Olympian told reporters during an uninterrupted 14-hour practice session. “Truly, ever since I was 20 months old and my parents put me on the ice and told me I wanted to be a figure skater, I’ve always pictured myself someday playing, watching TV, and goofing around with other girls my age, all without having to think about triple lutzes and constantly monitoring my weight. That would be so nice.” At press time, Edmunds’ trainer was ordering her to stop talking to reporters and perform 300 stag jumps.

More from this section

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close