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Olympic Athletes Hoping To Exchange Bent-Up Medals For Normal Ones

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Olympic Athletes Hoping To Exchange Bent-Up Medals For Normal Ones

VANCOUVER—A number of medal winners at the 2010 Winter Olympics admitted Tuesday that they looked forward to exchanging their inexplicably beat-up medals for regular ones that weren't completely dented for some reason. "When I was on the podium, I was like, what the hell is this?" said speed skater Shani Davis, adding that his gold and silver medals looked as though they had been "beat to shit." "Then I figured that they were just using these old medals for the ceremony so nobody would lose the nice, normal, non-fucked-up ones during all the excitement. I know a bunch of people who just recycled theirs afterward." Alpine skier Julia Mancuso told reporters that she knew an auto-body guy who could probably hammer her medals flat.

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