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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Olympic Athletes Hoping To Exchange Bent-Up Medals For Normal Ones

VANCOUVER—A number of medal winners at the 2010 Winter Olympics admitted Tuesday that they looked forward to exchanging their inexplicably beat-up medals for regular ones that weren't completely dented for some reason. "When I was on the podium, I was like, what the hell is this?" said speed skater Shani Davis, adding that his gold and silver medals looked as though they had been "beat to shit." "Then I figured that they were just using these old medals for the ceremony so nobody would lose the nice, normal, non-fucked-up ones during all the excitement. I know a bunch of people who just recycled theirs afterward." Alpine skier Julia Mancuso told reporters that she knew an auto-body guy who could probably hammer her medals flat.

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