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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Olympic Closing Ceremonies To Feature Launch Of Chinese Nuclear Arsenal, Invasion Of United States

BEIJING—Responding to controversy regarding lip-syncing singers and "simulated" fireworks during the Olympic opening ceremonies, Chinese Olympic officials announced Tuesday that the closing ceremonies would feature a full-scale nuclear ICBM launch followed almost immediately by 2 million amphibious troops marching into California.

"We have pledged to respond to our critics in a fashion that exemplifies the culture and direction of modern China," a statement from the newly created Chinese Strategic Olympic Committee and Global Strike Force read in part. "The world shall thrill to the spectacle of 1,000 character dancers, 10,000 traditional acrobats, 100,000 commandos storming out of the Pacific surf into Los Angeles and San Francisco, and dozens of cities burning at one million degrees." The statement also expressed regret that, due to the unique circumstances of this year's closing ceremonies, handing over the Olympic Games to the heavily targeted city of London would probably not be physically possible.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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