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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Olympic Closing Ceremonies To Feature Launch Of Chinese Nuclear Arsenal, Invasion Of United States

BEIJING—Responding to controversy regarding lip-syncing singers and "simulated" fireworks during the Olympic opening ceremonies, Chinese Olympic officials announced Tuesday that the closing ceremonies would feature a full-scale nuclear ICBM launch followed almost immediately by 2 million amphibious troops marching into California.

"We have pledged to respond to our critics in a fashion that exemplifies the culture and direction of modern China," a statement from the newly created Chinese Strategic Olympic Committee and Global Strike Force read in part. "The world shall thrill to the spectacle of 1,000 character dancers, 10,000 traditional acrobats, 100,000 commandos storming out of the Pacific surf into Los Angeles and San Francisco, and dozens of cities burning at one million degrees." The statement also expressed regret that, due to the unique circumstances of this year's closing ceremonies, handing over the Olympic Games to the heavily targeted city of London would probably not be physically possible.

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