adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Olympic Rifleman Freelancing On Firing Squad

ZIRAKPUR, INDIA—Abhinav Bindra, the gold medal winner of the 10-meter air rifle event at the Beijing Olympics, revealed Wednesday that he supplements his income by providing his marksmanship services to firing squads. "It's certainly not as challenging as Olympic-level shooting, but the money is good, you get to travel, and the hours are great," said Bindra, who received $5,000 from the Indian government last Thursday for executing a Pakistani man found guilty of smuggling drugs. "I'm grateful that I can earn a little extra money doing something I love. I just wish it was a little more steady.... If I could get five or six executions a month, I'd feel more at ease." Bindra said he relies heavily on the Internet to find freelance execution gigs from Saudi Arabia to Texas and recently used Craigslist to apply with a firing squad in Colombia that is hiring people to gun down cowards.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close