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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Olympic Rifleman Freelancing On Firing Squad

ZIRAKPUR, INDIA—Abhinav Bindra, the gold medal winner of the 10-meter air rifle event at the Beijing Olympics, revealed Wednesday that he supplements his income by providing his marksmanship services to firing squads. "It's certainly not as challenging as Olympic-level shooting, but the money is good, you get to travel, and the hours are great," said Bindra, who received $5,000 from the Indian government last Thursday for executing a Pakistani man found guilty of smuggling drugs. "I'm grateful that I can earn a little extra money doing something I love. I just wish it was a little more steady.... If I could get five or six executions a month, I'd feel more at ease." Bindra said he relies heavily on the Internet to find freelance execution gigs from Saudi Arabia to Texas and recently used Craigslist to apply with a firing squad in Colombia that is hiring people to gun down cowards.

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