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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Olympic Rifleman Freelancing On Firing Squad

ZIRAKPUR, INDIA—Abhinav Bindra, the gold medal winner of the 10-meter air rifle event at the Beijing Olympics, revealed Wednesday that he supplements his income by providing his marksmanship services to firing squads. "It's certainly not as challenging as Olympic-level shooting, but the money is good, you get to travel, and the hours are great," said Bindra, who received $5,000 from the Indian government last Thursday for executing a Pakistani man found guilty of smuggling drugs. "I'm grateful that I can earn a little extra money doing something I love. I just wish it was a little more steady.... If I could get five or six executions a month, I'd feel more at ease." Bindra said he relies heavily on the Internet to find freelance execution gigs from Saudi Arabia to Texas and recently used Craigslist to apply with a firing squad in Colombia that is hiring people to gun down cowards.

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