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Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Olympic Runners Feeling Stupid For Cutting Off Legs Before Finding Out About Prosthetic Ban

NEW YORK—An International Association of Athletics Federations ruling Monday disallowing double-leg amputee Oscar Pistorius, who uses special Cheetah-brand racing prosthetics, from participating in the 2008 Beijing Olympics has left over 70 U.S. Olympic track and field hopefuls feeling "pretty stupid" for their recent decisions to cut off their own legs in an attempt to gain a similar advantage. "I really wish they would have told me before I amputated my legs that I wouldn't be allowed to run with those performance-enhancing prosthetic limbs," 110-m. hurdles competitor David Payne said from his recovery room at the Johns Hopkins intensive care unit. "If I was going to be hobbled by being forced to use my healthy, normal legs to run, I should have been informed. Damn it." Though the IAAF has remained steadfast in its decision, over 1,200 Olympic hopefuls from all representative countries have also cut off their own legs as a display of solidarity with their fellow competitors.

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