Omaha Man To Probably Stay In Omaha Another Year Or Two

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Vol 35 Issue 10

Ham Glazed To Dangerously Delicious Levels

PEORIA, IL—The EPA issued a warning Monday to the greater Peoria area regarding the "dangerously delicious" ham being prepared by Cora Daly of Riverside Street. "Mrs. Daly has gone too far in overglazing this already succulent and flavorful ham," the report read. "If emergency de-appetizing measures are not implemented immediately, the ham may reach catastrophically mouth-watering levels of sweet ham-tastic goodness." The report criticized Daly for "willfully and recklessly" adding fresh pineapple slices to the surface of the ham, "ignoring the obvious threat posed to the willpower of area diners."

Woman Ejected From Bed In Cracker-Eating Incident

IRVINE, CA—Citing "insufficient looks," Charles Hausner, 31, threw Amy Glass out of his bed Monday after catching the 27-year-old consuming Saltines. According to Hausner, Glass was not attractive enough to warrant special in-bed cracker-eating privileges. "Had she looked like Claudia Schiffer, I most certainly would have let the transgression slide and allowed her to stay in my bed and get crumbs all over the sheets," Hausner said. "But she doesn't, so I had no choice but to kick her out."

Mourners Unable To Comprehend Last 20 Minutes Of Kubrick's Life

CHILDWICK GREEN, ENGLAND—Mourners at Stanley Kubrick's funeral expressed confusion Friday over the baffling, non-narrative final minutes of the director's life. "I really didn't get it," attendee Ron Blum said of Kubrick's climactic death scene. "I understood the convulsions and heavy sweats, but the whole swirling-colored-lights part of the 'beyond infinity' sequence? It just didn't make sense." Fellow mourner Steven Spielberg said he thought the disorienting editing of the deathbed sequence was meant to represent the chaos inherent in nature, but admitted that he "wasn't positive."

Report: One In Five Americans Currently Holding For The Next Available Representative

PRINCETON, NJ—A study released Monday by Princeton University found that 20 percent of all Americans are currently waiting for the next available representative. "At this moment, some 50 million of us are on hold," study head William Voss told reporters while waiting to talk to a Con Edison operator about an error in his February gas bill. "I myself have been on hold for 13 minutes now." Voss assured Americans that their calls would be answered in the order they were received.

eBay Under Fire

Last week, it was reported that, the popular, minimally monitored Internet auction house, is being investigated by the federal government for "possible illegal transactions." What do you think?
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Omaha Man To Probably Stay In Omaha Another Year Or Two

OMAHA, NE—Craig Gadbois, a 28-year-old Omaha-area carpet salesman, announced Tuesday that he plans to remain in Omaha for at least another year or two.

Craig Gadbois, who plans to leave Omaha in the next few years.

"I don't want to stay here forever, but I guess I'll probably stick around another couple of years," Gadbois told co-workers at the Pflaum Road CarpetKing where he has worked since 1990. "After that, we'll see."

A lifelong Omaha resident, Gadbois said he is not certain where he'll go when he finally does leave the Nebraska city, though he does have a number of possibilities in mind.

"I was thinking about checking out Texas, like maybe Austin," Gadbois said. "I don't really know what I'd do there, but it's supposed to be cool. Or maybe I'll go to Memphis. We went there once on a band trip in high school, and I had a really good time."

Acquaintances of Gadbois' said they are familiar with his plans to leave Omaha in a year or two.

"Craig's always telling me how he's going to leave," said Raymond Purnell, a bartender at the Stumble Inn, a tavern two blocks from Gadbois' efficiency apartment. "He says Omaha is okay, but he wants to take off and live someplace more exciting."

"I know Craig wants to leave Omaha someday, and when he does we'll be sad to see him go," said Carmen Hagen, Gadbois' shift supervisor at CarpetKing. "It takes a long time to teach new trainees all the three-letter color codes on the inventory sheets."

Not content merely to dream, Gadbois has already taken concrete steps to prepare for his exodus from Omaha. Last year, he checked out a travel video from the local library profiling several cities to which he is considering relocating. He has also set aside a large glass jar to fill with loose change for "moving money." And three years ago, he called a cousin in Tacoma, WA, to inquire about employment possibilities there.

"I don't want to get too settled here in Omaha, because I plan to move pretty soon," Gadbois said. "But I'm going to wait until the time is right."

Though Gadbois said he no longer finds his job rewarding, he plans to stay at CarpetKing at least until next fall to earn enough money to move.

"We're all supposed to get 50-cent raises in November, so I figure, why quit now?" Gadbois said. "Plus, it's going to take a while to get all packed up and ready to move, so I may as well stick around CarpetKing for the time being and rack up some cash."

Gadbois has another incentive to remain at CarpetKing. Next year will mark his 10th year of service at the store, making him eligible for three weeks of paid vacation.

"When I get that vacation time, I might just go on a big trip somewhere, like to scope out some possible cities to move to," Gadbois said. "Then again, maybe I'll just hang around Omaha and use the time off to finally relax for a change."

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