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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Ominous Darkness Descending On Webpage Portends Grim Age Of Autoplaying Ad To Come

PORTSMOUTH, NH—The woeful pall unfurling quickly across the illuminated text, an ominous darkness Wednesday foretold that the grim age of an autoplaying ad had come to pass. “An unholy mist intercedes between mine eyes and the Esquire homepage,” said local man Marc Hammons, even now perceiving in the distance the baleful synthesized fanfare of the approaching Mazda video. “Fortune’s fool, I wagered I would be spared and forsook my ad blocker, and now a pitiless gloom that will abide for 30 seconds has descended. No X in the corner will succor me. No five-second opt-out will rekindle the embers beneath this wicked mist. Lo, the Mazda Summer Sales Event nears. Stop my ears with wax! Forgive me! Forgive me!” At press time, Hammons had, with but one errant stroke, clicked on the ad and now smiled ruefully, an accursed soul fully resigned to his damnation.

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