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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Once Mighty Super Bowl Commercial Now Sad, Pathetic 'Price Is Right' Commercial

LOS ANGELES—Though it once stood proud as a majestic and much-celebrated Super Bowl ad—captivating an audience of millions with its sleek, seductive images and stunning production values—a television commercial for Doritos was reduced Wednesday to occupying a feeble 30-second slot between segments on The Price Is Right. "It's tragic to see an ad fall so far so fast," viewer Bob Crumbley said of the corn-chip spot, which just last month was beloved far and wide for its sly and good-natured humor, but has since become nothing more than a meddlesome obstruction to the Showcase Showdown. "What a humiliating way to go." The ad is scheduled to fall even further from grace next week, when a pathetically truncated 15-second version will air during a rerun of Judge Joe Brown.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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