adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

One Dead, Hundreds Injured As Chicagoans Attempt To Run

CHICAGO—One man died and over 300 others were seriously injured in downtown Chicago Sunday when thousands of the city's residents made an ill-advised attempt to get up off of their couches and run at a sustained pace for a distance of nearly 26.2 miles more than they were accustomed. "The stress of the extreme heat, compounded by the sudden activity of long-dormant muscles and the unusual up-and-down pumping motion of many Chicagoans' arms and legs, forced most runners to collapse at the halfway point of the first minute," said Chicago Veteran's Affairs Hospital spokesman Keith Hermann, who is also treating 362 patients for severely chafed thighs. "Some of the runners clearly tried to increase their stamina by carbo-loading for the past 20 to 25 years, but that strategy seemed to backfire. Those most seriously affected have been rushed to special medical lounges, where they are expected to remain motionless for the next six to eight weeks, maybe more." City officials are calling this Chicago's worst tragedy since the Sears Tower elevators went out of service in March of 2003.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close