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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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One Dead, Hundreds Injured As Chicagoans Attempt To Run

CHICAGO—One man died and over 300 others were seriously injured in downtown Chicago Sunday when thousands of the city's residents made an ill-advised attempt to get up off of their couches and run at a sustained pace for a distance of nearly 26.2 miles more than they were accustomed. "The stress of the extreme heat, compounded by the sudden activity of long-dormant muscles and the unusual up-and-down pumping motion of many Chicagoans' arms and legs, forced most runners to collapse at the halfway point of the first minute," said Chicago Veteran's Affairs Hospital spokesman Keith Hermann, who is also treating 362 patients for severely chafed thighs. "Some of the runners clearly tried to increase their stamina by carbo-loading for the past 20 to 25 years, but that strategy seemed to backfire. Those most seriously affected have been rushed to special medical lounges, where they are expected to remain motionless for the next six to eight weeks, maybe more." City officials are calling this Chicago's worst tragedy since the Sears Tower elevators went out of service in March of 2003.

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