adBlockCheck

One Dead, Hundreds Injured As Chicagoans Attempt To Run

Top Headlines

Sports

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

One Dead, Hundreds Injured As Chicagoans Attempt To Run

CHICAGO—One man died and over 300 others were seriously injured in downtown Chicago Sunday when thousands of the city's residents made an ill-advised attempt to get up off of their couches and run at a sustained pace for a distance of nearly 26.2 miles more than they were accustomed. "The stress of the extreme heat, compounded by the sudden activity of long-dormant muscles and the unusual up-and-down pumping motion of many Chicagoans' arms and legs, forced most runners to collapse at the halfway point of the first minute," said Chicago Veteran's Affairs Hospital spokesman Keith Hermann, who is also treating 362 patients for severely chafed thighs. "Some of the runners clearly tried to increase their stamina by carbo-loading for the past 20 to 25 years, but that strategy seemed to backfire. Those most seriously affected have been rushed to special medical lounges, where they are expected to remain motionless for the next six to eight weeks, maybe more." City officials are calling this Chicago's worst tragedy since the Sears Tower elevators went out of service in March of 2003.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close