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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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One Million Gather In Confetti-Filled Times Square As U.S. Unveils World Cup Roster

NEW YORK—Cheering and exchanging high fives in the teeming pedestrian intersection, an estimated one million enthusiastic soccer fans reportedly crowded into a confetti-strewn Times Square Monday to celebrate as the United States unveiled its preliminary roster for this summer’s World Cup tournament. “Woo! Team USA, let’s do this!” said local man Brett Fahey, whose voice reportedly could barely be heard above the clamor of his fellow die-hard supporters of the U.S. men’s national soccer team as they filled the bustling outdoor tourist hub well past capacity. “Man, I sure hope Omar Gonzalez makes the final cut, don’t you? He and [Michael] Parkhurst are two of the best defenders in the MLS, no question!” At press time, an outburst of pent-up anger over Team USA’s heartbreaking 3-2 loss to Brazil in the 2009 FIFA Confederations Cup had caused the celebration to turn violent, forcing the New York Police Department to deploy nearly 1,000 fully armed SWAT officers in a futile attempt to quell the swarm of zealous, soccer-loving fans.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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