One Million Gather In Confetti-Filled Times Square As U.S. Unveils World Cup Roster

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Vol 50 Issue 19

Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

One Million Gather In Confetti-Filled Times Square As U.S. Unveils World Cup Roster

NEW YORK—Cheering and exchanging high fives in the teeming pedestrian intersection, an estimated one million enthusiastic soccer fans reportedly crowded into a confetti-strewn Times Square Monday to celebrate as the United States unveiled its preliminary roster for this summer’s World Cup tournament. “Woo! Team USA, let’s do this!” said local man Brett Fahey, whose voice reportedly could barely be heard above the clamor of his fellow die-hard supporters of the U.S. men’s national soccer team as they filled the bustling outdoor tourist hub well past capacity. “Man, I sure hope Omar Gonzalez makes the final cut, don’t you? He and [Michael] Parkhurst are two of the best defenders in the MLS, no question!” At press time, an outburst of pent-up anger over Team USA’s heartbreaking 3-2 loss to Brazil in the 2009 FIFA Confederations Cup had caused the celebration to turn violent, forcing the New York Police Department to deploy nearly 1,000 fully armed SWAT officers in a futile attempt to quell the swarm of zealous, soccer-loving fans.

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