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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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One Of Those Fucking People Wins New Hampshire Primary

CONCORD, NH—With the majority of precincts reporting, sources are now confirming that one of those fucking guys—one of the ones who wore a suit on television and talked a lot—has won the New Hampshire primary, beating five or six of the fuckers he was up against. "To be honest, I don't really know which one of those cocksuckers I voted for, but I think it was the asshole with the hair," New Hampshire resident Pete Harris told reporters. "I can’t remember his name, but he was the only one who looked me in the eye and didn't immediately make me want to throw up." Following announcement of the results, sources said one of the assholes is probably considering dropping out, another one is probably continuing on, and who really gives a flying fuck?

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