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After Birth

Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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One-Year-Old Still Waiting For Father’s First Words

SAVANNAH, GA—Saying he had been anticipating the milestone for months, local 1-year-old Connor Levine revealed Wednesday that he was still waiting to hear his father’s first words. “I’d kind of expected him to say a word or two by now, but I guess every dad is a little different,” the 12-month-old reportedly thought to himself, adding that he had heard his father emit a number of grunts, fussy grumbles, and other nonverbal vocalizations, but nothing that approached coherent speech. “Every day, I’m hoping this will be the time he finally says something, but I’m trying not to fixate on that. If he still hasn’t said anything by 18 months, though, I’m going to start worrying that something’s wrong.” The infant noted that he was also looking forward to the day when his father wasn’t up all night screaming.

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