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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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'Onion Book Of Known Knowledge' Contains Cure For HIV

MACAO, CHINA—According to sources from the Zweibel Center for Knowledge Studies, The Onion’s new encyclopedia, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge, contains the cure for the human immunodeficiency virus and, ultimately, AIDS. “If an HIV patient turns to page 106 of this magnificent tome and licks the page from top to bottom, a chemical reaction will occur inside the body that restores cell-mediated immunity and destroys the virus forever,” said Dr. Han Soo Jong-Zweibel, leader of the Onion Book Of Known Knowledge’s microbiology team, later adding that even people who do not suffer from the illness should purchase it immediately because it can also be used as an HIV vaccine. “In addition to curing HIV, the book can treat the most advanced stages of pancreatic cancer, end world hunger, fix a loveless marriage, alleviate lower back pain, create lasting peace in the Middle East, and endow its owner with unending happiness.” Dr. Jong-Zweibel told reporters that if The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is not a worldwide bestseller, all the planet’s inhabitants will burn in hell, and deservedly so.

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