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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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'Onion Book Of Known Knowledge' Contains Cure For HIV

MACAO, CHINA—According to sources from the Zweibel Center for Knowledge Studies, The Onion’s new encyclopedia, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge, contains the cure for the human immunodeficiency virus and, ultimately, AIDS. “If an HIV patient turns to page 106 of this magnificent tome and licks the page from top to bottom, a chemical reaction will occur inside the body that restores cell-mediated immunity and destroys the virus forever,” said Dr. Han Soo Jong-Zweibel, leader of the Onion Book Of Known Knowledge’s microbiology team, later adding that even people who do not suffer from the illness should purchase it immediately because it can also be used as an HIV vaccine. “In addition to curing HIV, the book can treat the most advanced stages of pancreatic cancer, end world hunger, fix a loveless marriage, alleviate lower back pain, create lasting peace in the Middle East, and endow its owner with unending happiness.” Dr. Jong-Zweibel told reporters that if The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is not a worldwide bestseller, all the planet’s inhabitants will burn in hell, and deservedly so.

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