'Onion Book Of Known Knowledge' Contains Cure For HIV

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Vol 48 Issue 42

Romney Blimp Makes Emergency Landing

While flying over Boca Raton, FL yesterday ahead of the final presidential debate, a blimp bearing the likeness of the Republican presidential nominee and the phrase “America Needs Romney” was forced by high winds to make an emergency landing.

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs were married at sunset Saturday on a picturesque Hawaiian beach inside Chelsea's head, while the rest of her body was at the actual ceremony near the seventh hole of the golf club Robert's dad belongs to.

Romney Stands Behind Ryan To Show Good Campaigning Stance

COLUMBUS, OH—In order to demonstrate proper campaign posture, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stood behind running mate Paul Ryan on Saturday and gently guided the younger man’s hips and elbows into an ideal speaking stance, source...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Race Relations

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

'Onion Book Of Known Knowledge' Contains Cure For HIV

MACAO, CHINA—According to sources from the Zweibel Center for Knowledge Studies, The Onion’s new encyclopedia, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge, contains the cure for the human immunodeficiency virus and, ultimately, AIDS. “If an HIV patient turns to page 106 of this magnificent tome and licks the page from top to bottom, a chemical reaction will occur inside the body that restores cell-mediated immunity and destroys the virus forever,” said Dr. Han Soo Jong-Zweibel, leader of the Onion Book Of Known Knowledge’s microbiology team, later adding that even people who do not suffer from the illness should purchase it immediately because it can also be used as an HIV vaccine. “In addition to curing HIV, the book can treat the most advanced stages of pancreatic cancer, end world hunger, fix a loveless marriage, alleviate lower back pain, create lasting peace in the Middle East, and endow its owner with unending happiness.” Dr. Jong-Zweibel told reporters that if The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is not a worldwide bestseller, all the planet’s inhabitants will burn in hell, and deservedly so.

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