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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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'Onion Book Of Known Knowledge' Contains Cure For HIV

MACAO, CHINA—According to sources from the Zweibel Center for Knowledge Studies, The Onion’s new encyclopedia, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge, contains the cure for the human immunodeficiency virus and, ultimately, AIDS. “If an HIV patient turns to page 106 of this magnificent tome and licks the page from top to bottom, a chemical reaction will occur inside the body that restores cell-mediated immunity and destroys the virus forever,” said Dr. Han Soo Jong-Zweibel, leader of the Onion Book Of Known Knowledge’s microbiology team, later adding that even people who do not suffer from the illness should purchase it immediately because it can also be used as an HIV vaccine. “In addition to curing HIV, the book can treat the most advanced stages of pancreatic cancer, end world hunger, fix a loveless marriage, alleviate lower back pain, create lasting peace in the Middle East, and endow its owner with unending happiness.” Dr. Jong-Zweibel told reporters that if The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is not a worldwide bestseller, all the planet’s inhabitants will burn in hell, and deservedly so.

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