adBlockCheck

ONION NEWS NETWORK LANDS FIRST INTERVIEW WITH BEYONCE'S BABY

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

ONION NEWS NETWORK LANDS FIRST INTERVIEW WITH BEYONCE'S BABY

Network To Air Exclusive Pre-Natal Interview With Singer's Fetus

New York, NY (August 31, 2011) - Just days after the announcement of pop megastar Beyonce Knowles' pregnancy took tabloids and celebrity gossip websites by storm, the Onion News Network has already conducted the first-ever interview with the singer's unborn child.

Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez conducted the interview with the fetus at Beyonce's home in Hollywood using ultrasound equipment and a specially-designed microphone inserted into the "Bootylicious" singer's womb. In an in-depth, two-hour conversation Ms. Alvarez and the fetus discussed topics ranging from what gender it will be to what life is really like inside the world's most famous pop star.

"The fetus really opened up to me," said Ms. Alvarez, "It does not yet have the life experience or brain functionality to understand social norms, so it was very candid."

The interview became heated at one point when Ms. Alvarez questioned the fetus about accusations that it has repeatedly kicked Ms. Knowles. In what is sure to be a much-buzzed about moment, the fetus appeared to deny the domestic abuse charge when it moved the fleshy, fingerless nub of its hand toward its pre-formed mouth and said nothing.

The fetus may already have a bit of its mother's diva streak. Ms. Alvarez says at one point a crew member pushed a napkin and a pen up to the fetus in hopes of getting an autograph, but the unborn star refused to sign. Reportedly it did not even return the pen.

The second season of Onion News Network premieres October 4th on IFC.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close