adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

ONION NEWS NETWORK LANDS FIRST INTERVIEW WITH BEYONCE'S BABY

Network To Air Exclusive Pre-Natal Interview With Singer's Fetus

New York, NY (August 31, 2011) - Just days after the announcement of pop megastar Beyonce Knowles' pregnancy took tabloids and celebrity gossip websites by storm, the Onion News Network has already conducted the first-ever interview with the singer's unborn child.

Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez conducted the interview with the fetus at Beyonce's home in Hollywood using ultrasound equipment and a specially-designed microphone inserted into the "Bootylicious" singer's womb. In an in-depth, two-hour conversation Ms. Alvarez and the fetus discussed topics ranging from what gender it will be to what life is really like inside the world's most famous pop star.

"The fetus really opened up to me," said Ms. Alvarez, "It does not yet have the life experience or brain functionality to understand social norms, so it was very candid."

The interview became heated at one point when Ms. Alvarez questioned the fetus about accusations that it has repeatedly kicked Ms. Knowles. In what is sure to be a much-buzzed about moment, the fetus appeared to deny the domestic abuse charge when it moved the fleshy, fingerless nub of its hand toward its pre-formed mouth and said nothing.

The fetus may already have a bit of its mother's diva streak. Ms. Alvarez says at one point a crew member pushed a napkin and a pen up to the fetus in hopes of getting an autograph, but the unborn star refused to sign. Reportedly it did not even return the pen.

The second season of Onion News Network premieres October 4th on IFC.

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close