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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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ONION NEWS NETWORK LAUNCHES NEW TV CHANNEL FOR THE POOR

"Onion Destitute Channel" Will Cater To Growing Demographic Of Americans Living In Poverty

NEW YORK, NY (September 15, 2011) - Following this week's report from the U.S. Census Bureau that more Americans than ever are living below the poverty line, the Onion News Network is pleased to announce the launch of the "Onion Destitute Channel," the first television network catering specifically to the poor.

"With the number of Americans in poverty rising for the fourth year in a row, there has never been a better time to tap into this rapidly growing demographic," says Onion Programming Director Harris Zweibel. "For the 46.2 million of you barely making enough money to feed your children: Finally there's a TV channel for you."

ODC will offer an exciting mix of news and entertainment programming focusing on the poor lifestyle. Fashion show "Off The Rack," hosted by laid-off Detroit bus driver Marcus Plath, highlights the hottest trends from TJ Maxx and the Salvation Army. Cooking show "Patti's Kitchen" features disabled former autoworker Patti Clark teaching viewers how to whip up tasty dishes like ramen with ketchup, beans, and beans with ketchup. And home-improvement program "Ace Your Space" shows former interior designer turned scrap-metal-salvager Alan Robinson sprucing up real families' cars each week to make them more livable.

ODC will also feature informative programs like "House Call" a medical show which instructs viewers without health insurance how to treat chronic injuries themselves using items easily foraged from dumpsters, as well as primetime sitcoms like "The New Crew" about a group of sexy single friends living in a housing project who are constantly stressed out and crying because they don't have enough money to pay the rent and are frequently being robbed. Several suffer from rickets.

"The great thing about this network is that its viewership is guaranteed to increase steadily for the foreseeable future," says Zweibel. "The only thing we are worried about is the economy improving. Hahahahahahahahaha. I am joking."

The second season of Onion News Network premieres October 4th on IFC at 10pm / 9 Central.

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