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Onion News Network on IFC Recap -- Feb. 11, 2011

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Onion News Network on IFC Recap -- Feb. 11, 2011

Every Friday on IFC at 10/9c, Onion News Network brings you News Without Mercy, hurling 80 facts per minute in a full-frontal news assault. Here are last week's top stories:

Nation Elects First Openly Drunk Senator (Watch online now)
Sen. Dave Tillis and his publicly-inebriated lifestyle won over voters in the last election by loudly rambling about issues they care about proclaiming, "Drunkss are Amerricans! And we... we love America! An' we wannit to be awesome! Yeah!"

Woman Crying On Train Platform (Watch online now)
Don Abrams reported live on a very uncomfortable situation in San Francisco, where a woman was sobbing right there in front of everyone.

Potential School Shooter Gunned Down By Popular Jock (Only On IFC TV)
Heroic Prom King Trevor Wilson killed outcast, black-clad student Will Tracy before he could become unhinged and orchestrate a school shooting.

Report Finds Troubling Rise In Teen Uranium Enrichment (Watch online now)
Jean Anne Whorton went "Beyond The Facts” to find out how many teens are illegally enriching uranium and selling it to rogue states.

FactZone Celebrates Five Years (Only On IFC TV)
The FactZone celebrated its 5th Anniversary with congratulatory messages from MSNBC's Rachel Maddow and Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.

U.S. Constitution Expires (Only On IFC TV)
Americans begin rioting after a janitor at the National Archives discovered an expiration date on the U.S. Constitution.

Find IFC on your cable system and follow @ONN on Twitter during the broadcast for live updates and commentary from anchor @BrookeAlvarez.

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