Onion News Network on IFC Recap -- Feb. 11, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 07

Trail Blazers Down To One Working Knee

PORTLAND, OR—According to sources close to the injury-plagued Portland Trail Blazers, after a series of knee injuries to center Marcus Camby and All-Star guard Brandon Roy, the team is now officially down to one good knee.

Tim Duncan Urges All-Stars To Use Inside Voice During Game

LOS ANGELES—Saying he understands how excited everyone can get during an All-Star game, Spurs center Tim Duncan made it clear Saturday that since the game is held inside the Staples Center, he expects members of both teams to put their outside voice...

Area Dad Just Wants Computer With The Basics

EDISON, NJ—Wary of paying too much for a new computer loaded with unnecessary bells and whistles, area dad Paul Moyers, 52, announced Friday that he just wants a regular, no-frills PC with only the basics.

Military Releases Drone's Suicide Note

In a shocking turn of events, embattled military drone plane TR425 destroyed itself. Military officials released the following suicide note written by the airplane.

Healthy Living Tips For Shawnas

Having a healthy lifestyle isn't just about staying out of the sun (or out of a tanning bed). Here are some simple tips to help Shawnas participate in a healthier life.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Onion News Network on IFC Recap -- Feb. 11, 2011

Every Friday on IFC at 10/9c, Onion News Network brings you News Without Mercy, hurling 80 facts per minute in a full-frontal news assault. Here are last week's top stories:

Nation Elects First Openly Drunk Senator (Watch online now)
Sen. Dave Tillis and his publicly-inebriated lifestyle won over voters in the last election by loudly rambling about issues they care about proclaiming, "Drunkss are Amerricans! And we... we love America! An' we wannit to be awesome! Yeah!"

Woman Crying On Train Platform (Watch online now)
Don Abrams reported live on a very uncomfortable situation in San Francisco, where a woman was sobbing right there in front of everyone.

Potential School Shooter Gunned Down By Popular Jock (Only On IFC TV)
Heroic Prom King Trevor Wilson killed outcast, black-clad student Will Tracy before he could become unhinged and orchestrate a school shooting.

Report Finds Troubling Rise In Teen Uranium Enrichment (Watch online now)
Jean Anne Whorton went "Beyond The Facts” to find out how many teens are illegally enriching uranium and selling it to rogue states.

FactZone Celebrates Five Years (Only On IFC TV)
The FactZone celebrated its 5th Anniversary with congratulatory messages from MSNBC's Rachel Maddow and Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.

U.S. Constitution Expires (Only On IFC TV)
Americans begin rioting after a janitor at the National Archives discovered an expiration date on the U.S. Constitution.

Find IFC on your cable system and follow @ONN on Twitter during the broadcast for live updates and commentary from anchor @BrookeAlvarez.

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