ONION NEWS NETWORK POLL FINDS MAJORITY OF AMERICANS WILL VOTE FOR ASHTON KUTCHER IN 2012

Top Headlines

Recent News

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Sleep

ONION NEWS NETWORK POLL FINDS MAJORITY OF AMERICANS WILL VOTE FOR ASHTON KUTCHER IN 2012

Analysts Say The "Two And A Half Men" Star Could Easily Win Presidency

NEW YORK, NY – September 22, 2012 – Following record-breaking ratings for Ashton Kutcher's premiere on CBS's Two And A Half Men this week, a surprising new poll conducted by the Onion News Network finds the majority of Americans plan to vote for the actor in the 2012 presidential election.

Of more than 4,000 people polled, over 64% said they would cast their ballots for Mr. Kutcher, citing his hair, eyes, and smile among his qualifications for the office of President. "[Kutcher] is funny and cute," said one respondent, voicing a common sentiment among those polled, "He should totally be president."

Political analysts have expressed shock at the findings, noting that Mr. Kutcher is not a politician, nor is he even running for President. "We have never seen a non-candidate lead by such a huge margin. It makes absolutely no sense," said senior Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland. "Ashton Kutcher? For president? He's… I mean. What?"

Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez called the findings "bizarre and nonsensical" but admitted that Mr. Kutcher does appear to have a better shot at winning the White House than any current candidate. "He has more Twitter followers than CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News combined. His TV show has pulled in 28 million viewers. I don't understand it personally, but it's clear this nation is his for the taking if he wants it," Ms. Alvarez said.

While Mr. Kutcher has no stated plans for the economy, foreign policy, healthcare reform, the environment, or any other issue, the poll suggests his easygoing frat-boy persona and washboard abs more than make up for those weaknesses in the minds of voters. "He was soooo funny on That 70s Show," 52-year-old unemployed former Detroit autoworker Ron Mikalowski told pollsters. "Plus he just seems nice. I'd vote for him for President, or mayor, or CEO, or anything really." When asked if he believed Mr. Kutcher could put him back to work, Mr. Mikalowski replied by describing an episode of Mr. Kutcher's show hidden-camera prank show Punk'd in which rapper Lil' Bow Wow was led to believe he had lost some jewelry.

The poll is already affecting the political field. In an apparent bid to appeal to Ashton Kutcher's base of supporters, Mitt Romney arrived at a campaign stop in Iowa today wearing a sideways trucker cap. Michelle Bachmann, meanwhile, has begun Tweeting constantly about football, video games she can play on her phone, and things she is currently eating.

Mr. Kutcher may face some stiff competition in the race for the White House, however. The poll showed a bag of Cheeto's seen in numerous TV commercials also receiving widespread voter support.

Mr. Kutcher is expected to respond to the polling data in a press conference scheduled tomorrow afternoon on the set of Two And A Half Men.

The second season of Onion News Network premieres October 4th on IFC at 10pm / 9 Central.