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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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ONION NEWS NETWORK POLL FINDS MAJORITY OF AMERICANS WILL VOTE FOR ASHTON KUTCHER IN 2012

Analysts Say The "Two And A Half Men" Star Could Easily Win Presidency

NEW YORK, NY – September 22, 2012 – Following record-breaking ratings for Ashton Kutcher's premiere on CBS's Two And A Half Men this week, a surprising new poll conducted by the Onion News Network finds the majority of Americans plan to vote for the actor in the 2012 presidential election.

Of more than 4,000 people polled, over 64% said they would cast their ballots for Mr. Kutcher, citing his hair, eyes, and smile among his qualifications for the office of President. "[Kutcher] is funny and cute," said one respondent, voicing a common sentiment among those polled, "He should totally be president."

Political analysts have expressed shock at the findings, noting that Mr. Kutcher is not a politician, nor is he even running for President. "We have never seen a non-candidate lead by such a huge margin. It makes absolutely no sense," said senior Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland. "Ashton Kutcher? For president? He's… I mean. What?"

Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez called the findings "bizarre and nonsensical" but admitted that Mr. Kutcher does appear to have a better shot at winning the White House than any current candidate. "He has more Twitter followers than CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News combined. His TV show has pulled in 28 million viewers. I don't understand it personally, but it's clear this nation is his for the taking if he wants it," Ms. Alvarez said.

While Mr. Kutcher has no stated plans for the economy, foreign policy, healthcare reform, the environment, or any other issue, the poll suggests his easygoing frat-boy persona and washboard abs more than make up for those weaknesses in the minds of voters. "He was soooo funny on That 70s Show," 52-year-old unemployed former Detroit autoworker Ron Mikalowski told pollsters. "Plus he just seems nice. I'd vote for him for President, or mayor, or CEO, or anything really." When asked if he believed Mr. Kutcher could put him back to work, Mr. Mikalowski replied by describing an episode of Mr. Kutcher's show hidden-camera prank show Punk'd in which rapper Lil' Bow Wow was led to believe he had lost some jewelry.

The poll is already affecting the political field. In an apparent bid to appeal to Ashton Kutcher's base of supporters, Mitt Romney arrived at a campaign stop in Iowa today wearing a sideways trucker cap. Michelle Bachmann, meanwhile, has begun Tweeting constantly about football, video games she can play on her phone, and things she is currently eating.

Mr. Kutcher may face some stiff competition in the race for the White House, however. The poll showed a bag of Cheeto's seen in numerous TV commercials also receiving widespread voter support.

Mr. Kutcher is expected to respond to the polling data in a press conference scheduled tomorrow afternoon on the set of Two And A Half Men.

The second season of Onion News Network premieres October 4th on IFC at 10pm / 9 Central.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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