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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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ONION NEWS NETWORK POLL FINDS MAJORITY OF AMERICANS WILL VOTE FOR ASHTON KUTCHER IN 2012

Analysts Say The "Two And A Half Men" Star Could Easily Win Presidency

NEW YORK, NY – September 22, 2012 – Following record-breaking ratings for Ashton Kutcher's premiere on CBS's Two And A Half Men this week, a surprising new poll conducted by the Onion News Network finds the majority of Americans plan to vote for the actor in the 2012 presidential election.

Of more than 4,000 people polled, over 64% said they would cast their ballots for Mr. Kutcher, citing his hair, eyes, and smile among his qualifications for the office of President. "[Kutcher] is funny and cute," said one respondent, voicing a common sentiment among those polled, "He should totally be president."

Political analysts have expressed shock at the findings, noting that Mr. Kutcher is not a politician, nor is he even running for President. "We have never seen a non-candidate lead by such a huge margin. It makes absolutely no sense," said senior Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland. "Ashton Kutcher? For president? He's… I mean. What?"

Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez called the findings "bizarre and nonsensical" but admitted that Mr. Kutcher does appear to have a better shot at winning the White House than any current candidate. "He has more Twitter followers than CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News combined. His TV show has pulled in 28 million viewers. I don't understand it personally, but it's clear this nation is his for the taking if he wants it," Ms. Alvarez said.

While Mr. Kutcher has no stated plans for the economy, foreign policy, healthcare reform, the environment, or any other issue, the poll suggests his easygoing frat-boy persona and washboard abs more than make up for those weaknesses in the minds of voters. "He was soooo funny on That 70s Show," 52-year-old unemployed former Detroit autoworker Ron Mikalowski told pollsters. "Plus he just seems nice. I'd vote for him for President, or mayor, or CEO, or anything really." When asked if he believed Mr. Kutcher could put him back to work, Mr. Mikalowski replied by describing an episode of Mr. Kutcher's show hidden-camera prank show Punk'd in which rapper Lil' Bow Wow was led to believe he had lost some jewelry.

The poll is already affecting the political field. In an apparent bid to appeal to Ashton Kutcher's base of supporters, Mitt Romney arrived at a campaign stop in Iowa today wearing a sideways trucker cap. Michelle Bachmann, meanwhile, has begun Tweeting constantly about football, video games she can play on her phone, and things she is currently eating.

Mr. Kutcher may face some stiff competition in the race for the White House, however. The poll showed a bag of Cheeto's seen in numerous TV commercials also receiving widespread voter support.

Mr. Kutcher is expected to respond to the polling data in a press conference scheduled tomorrow afternoon on the set of Two And A Half Men.

The second season of Onion News Network premieres October 4th on IFC at 10pm / 9 Central.

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