ONION NEWS NETWORK TO AIR GOV. RICK PERRY'S FIRST PUBLIC EXECUTION

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Vol 47 Issue 36

Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps

UNIONTOWN, PA—An elderly man currently struggling to walk up a flight of steps at the local post office has rocked this community of nearly 12,000 people, leaving many shaken and devastated by the slow-moving, wheezing octogenarian's inability to perform what was once an effortless physical task, sources confirmed Thursday.

House Condescendingly Approves $400 In Added Stimulus

WASHINGTON—Following President Obama’s speech on the state of the U.S. economy Thursday, House Republicans patronizingly approved an additional $400 in added fiscal stimulus and then sarcastically urged the nation to use the money to go fill in a pothole or fix a broken streetlight.
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ONION NEWS NETWORK TO AIR GOV. RICK PERRY'S FIRST PUBLIC EXECUTION

Perry To Make Executing Prisoners Central Campaign Theme-->-->

NEW YORK, NY (SEPTEMBER 8, 2011) - In response to the raucous applause he received for proudly defending his record of executing 234 inmates during his time as Governor of Texas at last night's GOP debate, Republican presidential hopeful Rick Perry has announced public executions will become a centerpiece of his 2012 campaign. The Onion News Network will be airing the first of these executions live in an exclusive television event next Tuesday.

Beginning at 10/9 central, Gov. Perry will take the stage before a crowd of supporters at the Onion News Network's election headquarters along with a prisoner strapped to a gurney. After a few opening remarks, Perry will personally administer a series of injections of pancuronium bromide and potassium chloride to the prisoner. When the prisoner has stopped convulsing and is confirmed dead, Perry will give a short speech on job creation before taking questions from the audience.

The event will mark the first stop in Perry's "Ultimate Justice" campaign tour, in which the governor is scheduled to personally kill over 200 prisoners at various campaign stops in small towns and big cities across the country.

"I expect the executions to be a huge boost to Perry's campaign," says Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez. "As we saw at the debate, this is what his supporters want. [Perry] is proving he's not just going to talk the talk, he's willing to actually take human lives."

The executions may also be a boon to Perry's fundraising efforts. The Perry campaign has already sent out invitations to a black-tie dinner at which the night's biggest donors will be given handguns and allowed to shoot convicts in the face. Those making smaller contributions will receive pieces of the dead prisoner's body to keep as souvenirs.

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