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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:


Perry To Make Executing Prisoners Central Campaign Theme-->-->

NEW YORK, NY (SEPTEMBER 8, 2011) - In response to the raucous applause he received for proudly defending his record of executing 234 inmates during his time as Governor of Texas at last night's GOP debate, Republican presidential hopeful Rick Perry has announced public executions will become a centerpiece of his 2012 campaign. The Onion News Network will be airing the first of these executions live in an exclusive television event next Tuesday.

Beginning at 10/9 central, Gov. Perry will take the stage before a crowd of supporters at the Onion News Network's election headquarters along with a prisoner strapped to a gurney. After a few opening remarks, Perry will personally administer a series of injections of pancuronium bromide and potassium chloride to the prisoner. When the prisoner has stopped convulsing and is confirmed dead, Perry will give a short speech on job creation before taking questions from the audience.

The event will mark the first stop in Perry's "Ultimate Justice" campaign tour, in which the governor is scheduled to personally kill over 200 prisoners at various campaign stops in small towns and big cities across the country.

"I expect the executions to be a huge boost to Perry's campaign," says Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez. "As we saw at the debate, this is what his supporters want. [Perry] is proving he's not just going to talk the talk, he's willing to actually take human lives."

The executions may also be a boon to Perry's fundraising efforts. The Perry campaign has already sent out invitations to a black-tie dinner at which the night's biggest donors will be given handguns and allowed to shoot convicts in the face. Those making smaller contributions will receive pieces of the dead prisoner's body to keep as souvenirs.