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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:


Onion News Network Winter Weather Safety Tips

We urge all idiots to take caution during this snow emergency and keep in mind the follow tips:

  • Snow is cold
  • Avoid walking, running, or driving into trees
  • A garbage bag does not make a "great coat"
  • Keep icicles out of eyes
  • Go outside only if supervised by a non-idiot
  • Do not eat de-icing salt
  • Do not start fires indoors
  • If you urinate on self, change pants immediately