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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Onion News Network Winter Weather Safety Tips

We urge all idiots to take caution during this snow emergency and keep in mind the follow tips:

  • Snow is cold
  • Avoid walking, running, or driving into trees
  • A garbage bag does not make a "great coat"
  • Keep icicles out of eyes
  • Go outside only if supervised by a non-idiot
  • Do not eat de-icing salt
  • Do not start fires indoors
  • If you urinate on self, change pants immediately

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