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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Onion Publisher Emeritus Introduces The Onion's Election 'Blog'

It has been brought to my attention that, during the course of this year's uniquely American shadow-puppet interpretation of the democratic process, the Onion will be taking the sickeningly egalitarian step of allowing common citizens—some as unlikely as a foetus, a woman, and a writer—to publish their experiences and impressions under our goddamned masthead. It irks me to the centre of my being, but do not be concerned or inspired by this unusually democratic move on our part!

The simple explanation is that we have recently become aware of the "blog community," or "blogozone," a collection of ordinary everyday people who think their opinions deserve a global audience despite being ordinary everyday people.

While it is true they are insipid, intolerably short-sighted, and unremarkable in every conceivable way, we have been made to see that this is, somehow, their very appeal to our readers, who enjoy having a dim mirror held before them much more than they enjoy a window on the world—not that their fetid, ragged breath would fog either one.

Also, these "bloggers" work for free, eliminating from our budget the next-to-nothing we are forced to pay trained professionals. So it is our passing wish that you enjoy, or at least spend some hours a day on, the Onion's Election Blog, especially those of you under the employ of our competitors.

Everyone else, get back to work.

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