Onion Publisher Emeritus Introduces The Onion's Election 'Blog'

Top Headlines

Recent News

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Productivity

Onion Publisher Emeritus Introduces The Onion's Election 'Blog'

It has been brought to my attention that, during the course of this year's uniquely American shadow-puppet interpretation of the democratic process, the Onion will be taking the sickeningly egalitarian step of allowing common citizens—some as unlikely as a foetus, a woman, and a writer—to publish their experiences and impressions under our goddamned masthead. It irks me to the centre of my being, but do not be concerned or inspired by this unusually democratic move on our part!

The simple explanation is that we have recently become aware of the "blog community," or "blogozone," a collection of ordinary everyday people who think their opinions deserve a global audience despite being ordinary everyday people.

While it is true they are insipid, intolerably short-sighted, and unremarkable in every conceivable way, we have been made to see that this is, somehow, their very appeal to our readers, who enjoy having a dim mirror held before them much more than they enjoy a window on the world—not that their fetid, ragged breath would fog either one.

Also, these "bloggers" work for free, eliminating from our budget the next-to-nothing we are forced to pay trained professionals. So it is our passing wish that you enjoy, or at least spend some hours a day on, the Onion's Election Blog, especially those of you under the employ of our competitors.

Everyone else, get back to work.

Visit The T. Herman Zweibel Memorial Historical Archive