Onion Sports Super Bowl Preview

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes

As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ...

Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...

Notable Moves In NFL Free Agency

The first 72 hours of NFL free agency have ranked among the most frenzied and chaotic in league history, with a slew of high-profile players changing teams and signing record deals.
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  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

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Onion Sports Super Bowl Preview

With just one game remaining in the NFL season, the field of championship contenders has been trimmed considerably. Over the next two weeks, we wrap up this season's pro-football coverage with continuing Super Bowl dispatches from Detroit. Turn to Onion Sports for complete reports on sport's greatest spectacle, staged this year in one of America's most urban cities. Onion Sports will be updating its Super Bowl XL coverage daily during the week, with an entirely new Onion Sports page every Thursday as always.

Report: Colts Poised For Biggest Upset In Super Bowl History

DETROIT—Coaches, front-office executives, and players around the NFL all agree that an Indianapolis victory in Detroit next Sunday would result in the greatest underdog story in Super Bowl history, if not in all of sports. "After losing to Pittsburgh in the second round of the playoffs, for the Colts to come into Detroit and beat them—as well as the Seahawks, their nominal opponent—that would almost certainly be the comeback of the century," said Bills general manager Marv Levy. "No one would ever dare say that Manning or Dungy couldn't win the big one after that. Yes, it's a long shot—the longest—but with the Steelers and Seattle concentrating on beating each other, Indy is perfectly poised to come from literally out of nowhere to complete their all-time greatest triumph." At press time, no member of the Colts would comment on the possibility of a Super Bowl victory, further fueling speculation of a colossal upset in the making.

Bill Cowher's Jaw Arrives In Detroit Four Days Ahead Of Rest Of Steelers

DETROIT—While the Steelers will not officially arrive in Detroit until Monday afternoon, Coach Bill Cowher's jaw made the short trip from Pittsburgh a few days early, arriving in Detroit Wednesday night with a small team of assistants to lay groundwork for the team's arrival and acclimate itself to Ford Field. "Although it and Coach Cowher are inseparable on the sidelines, the jaw habitually travels ahead of him," said Steelers communications liaison Tom Becker. "We're used to it entering rooms 10 minutes before him, and believe me, just seeing the jaw coming irons out most problems. The jaw will just get things ready in Detroit while Bill spends time preparing with the team." The jaw is unable to speak to the press without Cowher for reasons partially having to do with Steeler team policy, but it did make a point of jutting firmly and politely towards reporters upon arriving at its hotel.

Shannon Sharpe Says Roethlisberger, Bettis, Cowher, Ward, Polamalu, Porter, Haggans, Logan, Staley, Kreider, And Place-Kicker Jeff Reed All Crucial To Steeler Victory

DETROIT—According to NFL Today analyst Shannon Sharpe, Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, halfback Jerome Bettis, and head coach Bill Cowher, as well as left tackle Trai Essex, defensive end Shaun Nua, centers Jeff Hartings and Chukky Okobi, outside linebacker Clark Haggans, assistant head coach Russ Grimm, and nose tackle Casey Hampton will all be key players in the Steelers' offensive and defensive attack in Super Bowl XL. "If the Steelers want any shot at winning, they have to rely on the core of their offense, defense, special teams, and coaching staff—including but not limited to wide receiver Lee Mays, right guard Chris Kemoeatu, punter Chris Gardocki, and conditioning coach Chet Fuhrman—to perform their given roles on this squad to the best of their abilities," Sharpe said during his "Difference-Makers To Watch Out For" segment. "And let's not forget about Kirschke, Reed, Starks, Warren, Staley, Smith, Taylor, Logan, Batch, Frazier, Keisel, and Faneca. Any or all of these guys could have an effect on the outcome of this game." Sharpe added, however, that top-notch performances by Seahawks X-factors Alexander, Hasselbeck, Dyson, Boulware, Babineaux, Hutchinson, Hackett, Mili, Wallace, Strong, Pruitt, Locklear, Koutouvides, and Jurevicious could potentially neutralize the Steelers' attack.

Neither Team Concerned About Taking Super Bowl Crowd Out Of Game

DETROIT—Although both teams are obviously being tight-lipped regarding the details of their game-day strategy, coaching staffs for both the Seahawks and Steelers admitted that they are not overly concerned about taking the Super Bowl crowd out of the game. "Come on—with over 17,000 tickets given away by the NFL to its corporate partners, about 24,000 distributed among the sponsors and boosters of the other 30 NFL teams, and 3,400 tickets given to the city of Detroit itself—whatever that means—it's not like a lot of them care what happens on the field," said a Seahawks assistant who asked not to be named. "Their team's fans get as many tickets as our fans, and there's a pathetic 1,000-ticket ‘fan lottery,' but aside from that, if someone on the field does something good, people will clap. Honestly, I'll stick to worrying about Joey Porter." An unscientific poll of ticket holders seemed to reinforce the unnamed assistant's comments, with 73 percent of those questioned mentioning "Quality Of The National Anthem" as their primary area of interest.

Steelers, Seahawks To Take Part In Rehearsal Super Bowl This Sunday

DETROIT—Players and coaches on the Seahawks and Steelers have been notified that they must be present and in full uniform at Ford Field this Sunday, Jan. 29 for a full-length Super Bowl game rehearsal, which will be closed off to the media and general public. "We want to do a complete run-through this weekend to get the guys adjusted to running the show in this stadium, account for any unforeseen problems with, say, the Ford Field lighting or the timing of certain complicated plays, and just generally make sure that everything goes smoothly and according to plan on the big day," said NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "We're going to do a dry run of the whole four-hour script to identify problems early, run each play at least once, and prepare some alternate scenarios to have ready in case the audience begins to lose interest." All players have also been asked to bring five ideas for a group brainstorm to help punch up the storyline for their matchup.

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