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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Onion Sports Super Bowl Preview

With just one game remaining in the NFL season, the field of championship contenders has been trimmed considerably. Over the next two weeks, we wrap up this season's pro-football coverage with continuing Super Bowl dispatches from Detroit. Turn to Onion Sports for complete reports on sport's greatest spectacle, staged this year in one of America's most urban cities. Onion Sports will be updating its Super Bowl XL coverage daily during the week, with an entirely new Onion Sports page every Thursday as always.

Report: Colts Poised For Biggest Upset In Super Bowl History

DETROIT—Coaches, front-office executives, and players around the NFL all agree that an Indianapolis victory in Detroit next Sunday would result in the greatest underdog story in Super Bowl history, if not in all of sports. "After losing to Pittsburgh in the second round of the playoffs, for the Colts to come into Detroit and beat them—as well as the Seahawks, their nominal opponent—that would almost certainly be the comeback of the century," said Bills general manager Marv Levy. "No one would ever dare say that Manning or Dungy couldn't win the big one after that. Yes, it's a long shot—the longest—but with the Steelers and Seattle concentrating on beating each other, Indy is perfectly poised to come from literally out of nowhere to complete their all-time greatest triumph." At press time, no member of the Colts would comment on the possibility of a Super Bowl victory, further fueling speculation of a colossal upset in the making.

Bill Cowher's Jaw Arrives In Detroit Four Days Ahead Of Rest Of Steelers

DETROIT—While the Steelers will not officially arrive in Detroit until Monday afternoon, Coach Bill Cowher's jaw made the short trip from Pittsburgh a few days early, arriving in Detroit Wednesday night with a small team of assistants to lay groundwork for the team's arrival and acclimate itself to Ford Field. "Although it and Coach Cowher are inseparable on the sidelines, the jaw habitually travels ahead of him," said Steelers communications liaison Tom Becker. "We're used to it entering rooms 10 minutes before him, and believe me, just seeing the jaw coming irons out most problems. The jaw will just get things ready in Detroit while Bill spends time preparing with the team." The jaw is unable to speak to the press without Cowher for reasons partially having to do with Steeler team policy, but it did make a point of jutting firmly and politely towards reporters upon arriving at its hotel.

Shannon Sharpe Says Roethlisberger, Bettis, Cowher, Ward, Polamalu, Porter, Haggans, Logan, Staley, Kreider, And Place-Kicker Jeff Reed All Crucial To Steeler Victory

DETROIT—According to NFL Today analyst Shannon Sharpe, Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, halfback Jerome Bettis, and head coach Bill Cowher, as well as left tackle Trai Essex, defensive end Shaun Nua, centers Jeff Hartings and Chukky Okobi, outside linebacker Clark Haggans, assistant head coach Russ Grimm, and nose tackle Casey Hampton will all be key players in the Steelers' offensive and defensive attack in Super Bowl XL. "If the Steelers want any shot at winning, they have to rely on the core of their offense, defense, special teams, and coaching staff—including but not limited to wide receiver Lee Mays, right guard Chris Kemoeatu, punter Chris Gardocki, and conditioning coach Chet Fuhrman—to perform their given roles on this squad to the best of their abilities," Sharpe said during his "Difference-Makers To Watch Out For" segment. "And let's not forget about Kirschke, Reed, Starks, Warren, Staley, Smith, Taylor, Logan, Batch, Frazier, Keisel, and Faneca. Any or all of these guys could have an effect on the outcome of this game." Sharpe added, however, that top-notch performances by Seahawks X-factors Alexander, Hasselbeck, Dyson, Boulware, Babineaux, Hutchinson, Hackett, Mili, Wallace, Strong, Pruitt, Locklear, Koutouvides, and Jurevicious could potentially neutralize the Steelers' attack.

Neither Team Concerned About Taking Super Bowl Crowd Out Of Game

DETROIT—Although both teams are obviously being tight-lipped regarding the details of their game-day strategy, coaching staffs for both the Seahawks and Steelers admitted that they are not overly concerned about taking the Super Bowl crowd out of the game. "Come on—with over 17,000 tickets given away by the NFL to its corporate partners, about 24,000 distributed among the sponsors and boosters of the other 30 NFL teams, and 3,400 tickets given to the city of Detroit itself—whatever that means—it's not like a lot of them care what happens on the field," said a Seahawks assistant who asked not to be named. "Their team's fans get as many tickets as our fans, and there's a pathetic 1,000-ticket ‘fan lottery,' but aside from that, if someone on the field does something good, people will clap. Honestly, I'll stick to worrying about Joey Porter." An unscientific poll of ticket holders seemed to reinforce the unnamed assistant's comments, with 73 percent of those questioned mentioning "Quality Of The National Anthem" as their primary area of interest.

Steelers, Seahawks To Take Part In Rehearsal Super Bowl This Sunday

DETROIT—Players and coaches on the Seahawks and Steelers have been notified that they must be present and in full uniform at Ford Field this Sunday, Jan. 29 for a full-length Super Bowl game rehearsal, which will be closed off to the media and general public. "We want to do a complete run-through this weekend to get the guys adjusted to running the show in this stadium, account for any unforeseen problems with, say, the Ford Field lighting or the timing of certain complicated plays, and just generally make sure that everything goes smoothly and according to plan on the big day," said NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "We're going to do a dry run of the whole four-hour script to identify problems early, run each play at least once, and prepare some alternate scenarios to have ready in case the audience begins to lose interest." All players have also been asked to bring five ideas for a group brainstorm to help punch up the storyline for their matchup.

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