Onion Sports Year In Review: Individual Sports

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes

As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ...

Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...

Notable Moves In NFL Free Agency

The first 72 hours of NFL free agency have ranked among the most frenzied and chaotic in league history, with a slew of high-profile players changing teams and signing record deals.
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Onion Sports Year In Review: Individual Sports

Click Here To Read The Top Team-Sports Highlights Of 2005

Less popular, less social, and far, far less lucrative than the major team sports, individual achievement is still the competitive instinct boiled down to its essence. Yet 2005 proved that the nation's attention could still be drawn to the heroic and well-televised individual performance. Lance Armstrong, the gritty, determined, monotesticular cyclist, captivated America with his seventh Tour de France victory, although the nation later confessed that it did not watch the actual event. Mike Tyson demonstrated that it was still possible for him to somehow lose even more dignity. And NASCAR champion Tony Stewart proved once and for all that there was still a place for angry sons of bitches in stock-car racing, becoming the 44th nonconsecutive driver to do so. Yet not every victory was as well-celebrated, and not every great performance was in competition. With that in mind, Onion Sports lists this year's greatest moments in the individual sports.

Jan. 26—During the celebrity pro-am portion of the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic, David Duval shoots a 96 (+24), missing 92 percent of fairways and hitting into several bunkers and water hazards, intentionally prolonging the round by over an hour in an attempt to maximize his time spent with celebrity partner Bill Murray. On the especially embarrassing 18th hole, Duval misses eight consecutive puts during a last-ditch effort to get Murray to reprise his Nick The Lounge Singer character.

Feb. 19—Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps comes out against flip-turns, calling them "disorienting" and "ultimately an annoyance." Phelps is issued a lifetime ban by the conservative, tradition-minded International Olympic Committee.

Mar. 15—Fencer Julia Leszko is ranked first in the nation in epée, earning the right to represent the U.S. at the Lisbon World Championships in August. The attractive and personable Leszko also earns the attention of several stalkers, a problem she resolves in a graceful, yet swashbuckling, fashion.

May 8—Vijay Singh wins the Wachovia Championship to little fanfare. Tournament organizers grudgingly invite him to Tiger Woods' gala 11th-place celebration dinner, sponsored by Buick and Nike and featuring a special guest performance by Beyonce Knowles.

May 29—Dan Wheldon wins the Indianapolis 500, but his victory is overshadowed by the fourth-place finish of IRL Rookie Of The Year Danica Patrick, only the fourth woman to compete in the race and the first ever to lead. Wheldon complains publicly that Patrick is only in the spotlight because she is a woman, but retracts the statement when race organizers point out that Ms. Patrick would be more interesting than the bland, bitter, British Wheldon if she were a 300-pound eunuch.

June 4—2005 World Series Of Poker champion Joseph Hachem, afraid that he is giving away too much with his expressive facial contortions, attributes his $1.4 million victory to the Ronald Reagan mask he wore through the entire three weeks of the competition.

June 11—A horse with a boring name wins a major racing event for the first time in history, when Mr. Fast beats out favorites Bound For Glory, Spirogyra, and Antagonist to win the Belmont Stakes.

July 21—Discus thrower Mark Bellinger perfects the "Boomerang Method" and dies shortly later of head trauma and extensive cranial blood loss.

Aug. 5—Tragedy strikes the skeet-shooting world when, while competing at the ESPN Outdoor Games, Olympic gold-medal winner Andrea Benelli's aging mother decides to rest for a moment on the skeet propeller's throwing arm, marring an otherwise phenomenal performance by Benelli, who flawlessly hits all "clays."

Sept. 24—13-year-old Wesley Sanders becomes the first child to win the National Arm Wrestling Championship, thanks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Oct. 1—Every single player at the Professional Bowling Association's East Region Valley Open qualifies for the second round when bowling-alley operators forget to remove the bumpers following Timmy Gresler's 8th birthday party.

Nov. 19—Matt Austin, the No. 1 ranked bull rider in America, admits that his victory at the Calgary Frontier Days Rodeo—and every other major rodeo in which he had competed since 2001—is tainted because the "bull" he rode was in fact a childhood friend of Austin's, dressed in a bull costume and out of his mind on crystal meth.

Dec. 13—Power forward Ron Artest, formerly of the Indiana Pacers, announces his intention to play basketball all by himself for the rest of his career.

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