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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Onion Twitter Password Changed To OnionMan77

'That Ought To Do It,' Company Sources Confirm

CHICAGO—Following today’s incident in which the Syrian Electronic Army hacked into The Onion’s Twitter account, sources at America’s Finest News Source confirmed that its Twitter password has been changed to OnionMan77 in order to prevent any future cyber-attacks. “We have taken the necessary measures to ensure this kind of thing never happens again,” said Onion IT specialist Nick Abersold, who noted that the new password’s length and use of numbers makes it “virtually impenetrable.” “There are no spaces, and the O and M are both capitalized—both tactics that I think will keep us safe for the foreseeable future. Also, there’s not one, but two 7s. So, once again, The Onion’s Twitter password is OnionMan77.” Abersold added that in order to ensure continued electronic security throughout The Onion’s operations, he had also reset the password for its Facebook page, employee email accounts, and mainframe server to OnionMan77.

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