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Onion Twitter Password Changed To OnionMan77

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Onion Twitter Password Changed To OnionMan77

'That Ought To Do It,' Company Sources Confirm

CHICAGO—Following today’s incident in which the Syrian Electronic Army hacked into The Onion’s Twitter account, sources at America’s Finest News Source confirmed that its Twitter password has been changed to OnionMan77 in order to prevent any future cyber-attacks. “We have taken the necessary measures to ensure this kind of thing never happens again,” said Onion IT specialist Nick Abersold, who noted that the new password’s length and use of numbers makes it “virtually impenetrable.” “There are no spaces, and the O and M are both capitalized—both tactics that I think will keep us safe for the foreseeable future. Also, there’s not one, but two 7s. So, once again, The Onion’s Twitter password is OnionMan77.” Abersold added that in order to ensure continued electronic security throughout The Onion’s operations, he had also reset the password for its Facebook page, employee email accounts, and mainframe server to OnionMan77.

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