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Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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Online-Dating Tips

More people are using computers to find that special someone. Here are some tips to help make your online-dating experience safe and fun:

Man at computer


  • Under no circumstance should you give someone you meet online a lot of personal information. You could place yourself in the dangerous position of having a date who knows what a loser you are.
  • When considering the serious step of marriage, it's good form to seek the approval of the message-board moderator.
  • Online dating services provide an easy way for recently divorced singles to meet new and interesting people. It's too bad your ex-wife got to keep the computer.
  • When you write your online classified ad, be sure to make explicit the fact that a sense of humor is very important to you.
  • Set yourself apart by choosing a descriptive user-name like SocialRetard342, CuteFaceFatAss, or RohypnolLarry.
  • If you're having a hard time finding a decent, commitment-minded man through e-dating, why don't you try to e-shut the fuck up for once and stop your e-bitching.
  • Don't just tell women what they want to hear. Type it in all caps.
  • Remember, online dating is not for everyone—only the desperate and pathetic.
  • Dates like to know that they're appreciated. Go the extra mile and send that special someone an e-card or virtual flowers.
  • For best results, try whichever dating service happens to be advertised to the right or left of this chart.
  • If you decide to break up with your online mate, for God's sake, have the decency to do it over the phone.
  • If you're a man who prefers younger women, but you only seem to get responses from older women, take heart: Older women can give birth to younger women.
  • When getting together for the first time, arrange to meet online dates in an open, public place. That way, you can use binoculars to check them out from the car beforehand.
  • Don't worry. If you actually meet someone decent over the Internet, the two of you can tell people you met at a party.
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