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Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Online-Dating Tips

More people are using computers to find that special someone. Here are some tips to help make your online-dating experience safe and fun:

Man at computer


  • Under no circumstance should you give someone you meet online a lot of personal information. You could place yourself in the dangerous position of having a date who knows what a loser you are.
  • When considering the serious step of marriage, it's good form to seek the approval of the message-board moderator.
  • Online dating services provide an easy way for recently divorced singles to meet new and interesting people. It's too bad your ex-wife got to keep the computer.
  • When you write your online classified ad, be sure to make explicit the fact that a sense of humor is very important to you.
  • Set yourself apart by choosing a descriptive user-name like SocialRetard342, CuteFaceFatAss, or RohypnolLarry.
  • If you're having a hard time finding a decent, commitment-minded man through e-dating, why don't you try to e-shut the fuck up for once and stop your e-bitching.
  • Don't just tell women what they want to hear. Type it in all caps.
  • Remember, online dating is not for everyone—only the desperate and pathetic.
  • Dates like to know that they're appreciated. Go the extra mile and send that special someone an e-card or virtual flowers.
  • For best results, try whichever dating service happens to be advertised to the right or left of this chart.
  • If you decide to break up with your online mate, for God's sake, have the decency to do it over the phone.
  • If you're a man who prefers younger women, but you only seem to get responses from older women, take heart: Older women can give birth to younger women.
  • When getting together for the first time, arrange to meet online dates in an open, public place. That way, you can use binoculars to check them out from the car beforehand.
  • Don't worry. If you actually meet someone decent over the Internet, the two of you can tell people you met at a party.
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