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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Online-Dating Tips

More people are using computers to find that special someone. Here are some tips to help make your online-dating experience safe and fun:

Man at computer


  • Under no circumstance should you give someone you meet online a lot of personal information. You could place yourself in the dangerous position of having a date who knows what a loser you are.
  • When considering the serious step of marriage, it's good form to seek the approval of the message-board moderator.
  • Online dating services provide an easy way for recently divorced singles to meet new and interesting people. It's too bad your ex-wife got to keep the computer.
  • When you write your online classified ad, be sure to make explicit the fact that a sense of humor is very important to you.
  • Set yourself apart by choosing a descriptive user-name like SocialRetard342, CuteFaceFatAss, or RohypnolLarry.
  • If you're having a hard time finding a decent, commitment-minded man through e-dating, why don't you try to e-shut the fuck up for once and stop your e-bitching.
  • Don't just tell women what they want to hear. Type it in all caps.
  • Remember, online dating is not for everyone—only the desperate and pathetic.
  • Dates like to know that they're appreciated. Go the extra mile and send that special someone an e-card or virtual flowers.
  • For best results, try whichever dating service happens to be advertised to the right or left of this chart.
  • If you decide to break up with your online mate, for God's sake, have the decency to do it over the phone.
  • If you're a man who prefers younger women, but you only seem to get responses from older women, take heart: Older women can give birth to younger women.
  • When getting together for the first time, arrange to meet online dates in an open, public place. That way, you can use binoculars to check them out from the car beforehand.
  • Don't worry. If you actually meet someone decent over the Internet, the two of you can tell people you met at a party.
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