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Online-Dating Tips

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Online-Dating Tips

More people are using computers to find that special someone. Here are some tips to help make your online-dating experience safe and fun:

Man at computer


  • Under no circumstance should you give someone you meet online a lot of personal information. You could place yourself in the dangerous position of having a date who knows what a loser you are.
  • When considering the serious step of marriage, it's good form to seek the approval of the message-board moderator.
  • Online dating services provide an easy way for recently divorced singles to meet new and interesting people. It's too bad your ex-wife got to keep the computer.
  • When you write your online classified ad, be sure to make explicit the fact that a sense of humor is very important to you.
  • Set yourself apart by choosing a descriptive user-name like SocialRetard342, CuteFaceFatAss, or RohypnolLarry.
  • If you're having a hard time finding a decent, commitment-minded man through e-dating, why don't you try to e-shut the fuck up for once and stop your e-bitching.
  • Don't just tell women what they want to hear. Type it in all caps.
  • Remember, online dating is not for everyone—only the desperate and pathetic.
  • Dates like to know that they're appreciated. Go the extra mile and send that special someone an e-card or virtual flowers.
  • For best results, try whichever dating service happens to be advertised to the right or left of this chart.
  • If you decide to break up with your online mate, for God's sake, have the decency to do it over the phone.
  • If you're a man who prefers younger women, but you only seem to get responses from older women, take heart: Older women can give birth to younger women.
  • When getting together for the first time, arrange to meet online dates in an open, public place. That way, you can use binoculars to check them out from the car beforehand.
  • Don't worry. If you actually meet someone decent over the Internet, the two of you can tell people you met at a party.
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