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Onlookers Gape As Daredevil Crosses Street Without Basic Health Insurance

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Onlookers Gape As Daredevil Crosses Street Without Basic Health Insurance

CHICAGO—Shocked by his audacious and downright reckless behavior, dozens of pedestrians reportedly stopped abruptly in their tracks Thursday and watched in open-mouthed astonishment as 27-year-old daredevil Stephen Hughes attempted to cross a city street without the protection of basic health insurance. “My God, look at that maniac—he must be out of his mind,” said gaping onlooker Betsy Thompson, noting that without the guarantee of a fixed out-of-pocket maximum annual payment, Hughes’ wildly brazen stunt risked incurring medical expenses in the tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars that would be billed entirely to him. “He doesn’t even have a provision to cover the costs of generic prescription drugs, let alone rehabilitative services! If something goes wrong, who knows how deep into debt he could fall? To think this could've been avoided if he had just signed up for an affordable plan.” According to reports, after safely crossing the street the completely uninsured madman further stunned the crowd of onlookers by purchasing a double bacon cheeseburger with extra fries.

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