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Onlookers Gape As Daredevil Crosses Street Without Basic Health Insurance

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Onlookers Gape As Daredevil Crosses Street Without Basic Health Insurance

CHICAGO—Shocked by his audacious and downright reckless behavior, dozens of pedestrians reportedly stopped abruptly in their tracks Thursday and watched in open-mouthed astonishment as 27-year-old daredevil Stephen Hughes attempted to cross a city street without the protection of basic health insurance. “My God, look at that maniac—he must be out of his mind,” said gaping onlooker Betsy Thompson, noting that without the guarantee of a fixed out-of-pocket maximum annual payment, Hughes’ wildly brazen stunt risked incurring medical expenses in the tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars that would be billed entirely to him. “He doesn’t even have a provision to cover the costs of generic prescription drugs, let alone rehabilitative services! If something goes wrong, who knows how deep into debt he could fall? To think this could've been avoided if he had just signed up for an affordable plan.” According to reports, after safely crossing the street the completely uninsured madman further stunned the crowd of onlookers by purchasing a double bacon cheeseburger with extra fries.

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