adBlockCheck

Only College Student Staying On Campus Planning Saddest Thanksgiving Meal Of All Time

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action

The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

Trump’s Potential VP Picks

Here is a guide to presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump’s potential running mates in the 2016 presidential election
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Only College Student Staying On Campus Planning Saddest Thanksgiving Meal Of All Time

CLEVELAND—Case Western Reserve University freshman Brian Calabrese, 18, who will be the only student staying on campus this holiday weekend, is planning the saddest little Thanksgiving meal in history of the world, sources told reporters today.

“I wasn’t able to get a ride home to Akron, so I’m just going to make a little Thanksgiving dinner for myself here in the dorm,” said Calabrese, who recently walked to a local Shop Rite supermarket and purchased a small package of sliced turkey and a box of Stove Top stuffing for what will undoubtedly be the most depressing iteration yet of the 391-year-old tradition. “I won’t have any family or friends around, but I can still make it feel Thanksgiving-y and eat a nice meal.”

“Might stop by a gas station, too, and see if they have a can of cranberry sauce,” a smiling Calabrese continued. “Then it’ll really feel like I’m home.”

Sources said that Calabrese, whose roommate, friends, and classmates will all be spending Thanksgiving day at home with their families, reportedly plans on eating his unbelievably depressing meal on his small computer desk, and will likely spend the majority of his day either watching movies on his laptop or taking periodic walks around the deserted campus.

Additionally, the freshman is expected to make a heartbreaking 15-minute phone call to his family while they are in the middle of their Thanksgiving festivities.

“I think there might be a few international students sticking around campus, but I don’t really know any of them,” said Calabrese, who decided to refrigerate a slice of the cafeteria’s pumpkin pie for dessert on Thursday. “I should have some extra food to spare, though, in case anyone’s interested in joining me.”

“I’m definitely still going to have a nice little Thanksgiving,” he added of the unbearably grim little day he has planned.

At press time, Calabrese was painfully telling reporters how he could “taste the turkey already.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close