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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Only College Student Staying On Campus Planning Saddest Thanksgiving Meal Of All Time

CLEVELAND—Case Western Reserve University freshman Brian Calabrese, 18, who will be the only student staying on campus this holiday weekend, is planning the saddest little Thanksgiving meal in history of the world, sources told reporters today.

“I wasn’t able to get a ride home to Akron, so I’m just going to make a little Thanksgiving dinner for myself here in the dorm,” said Calabrese, who recently walked to a local Shop Rite supermarket and purchased a small package of sliced turkey and a box of Stove Top stuffing for what will undoubtedly be the most depressing iteration yet of the 391-year-old tradition. “I won’t have any family or friends around, but I can still make it feel Thanksgiving-y and eat a nice meal.”

“Might stop by a gas station, too, and see if they have a can of cranberry sauce,” a smiling Calabrese continued. “Then it’ll really feel like I’m home.”

Sources said that Calabrese, whose roommate, friends, and classmates will all be spending Thanksgiving day at home with their families, reportedly plans on eating his unbelievably depressing meal on his small computer desk, and will likely spend the majority of his day either watching movies on his laptop or taking periodic walks around the deserted campus.

Additionally, the freshman is expected to make a heartbreaking 15-minute phone call to his family while they are in the middle of their Thanksgiving festivities.

“I think there might be a few international students sticking around campus, but I don’t really know any of them,” said Calabrese, who decided to refrigerate a slice of the cafeteria’s pumpkin pie for dessert on Thursday. “I should have some extra food to spare, though, in case anyone’s interested in joining me.”

“I’m definitely still going to have a nice little Thanksgiving,” he added of the unbearably grim little day he has planned.

At press time, Calabrese was painfully telling reporters how he could “taste the turkey already.”

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