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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Only College Student Staying On Campus Planning Saddest Thanksgiving Meal Of All Time

CLEVELAND—Case Western Reserve University freshman Brian Calabrese, 18, who will be the only student staying on campus this holiday weekend, is planning the saddest little Thanksgiving meal in history of the world, sources told reporters today.

“I wasn’t able to get a ride home to Akron, so I’m just going to make a little Thanksgiving dinner for myself here in the dorm,” said Calabrese, who recently walked to a local Shop Rite supermarket and purchased a small package of sliced turkey and a box of Stove Top stuffing for what will undoubtedly be the most depressing iteration yet of the 391-year-old tradition. “I won’t have any family or friends around, but I can still make it feel Thanksgiving-y and eat a nice meal.”

“Might stop by a gas station, too, and see if they have a can of cranberry sauce,” a smiling Calabrese continued. “Then it’ll really feel like I’m home.”

Sources said that Calabrese, whose roommate, friends, and classmates will all be spending Thanksgiving day at home with their families, reportedly plans on eating his unbelievably depressing meal on his small computer desk, and will likely spend the majority of his day either watching movies on his laptop or taking periodic walks around the deserted campus.

Additionally, the freshman is expected to make a heartbreaking 15-minute phone call to his family while they are in the middle of their Thanksgiving festivities.

“I think there might be a few international students sticking around campus, but I don’t really know any of them,” said Calabrese, who decided to refrigerate a slice of the cafeteria’s pumpkin pie for dessert on Thursday. “I should have some extra food to spare, though, in case anyone’s interested in joining me.”

“I’m definitely still going to have a nice little Thanksgiving,” he added of the unbearably grim little day he has planned.

At press time, Calabrese was painfully telling reporters how he could “taste the turkey already.”

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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