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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Only Jewish Kid In Class Asked To Talk About Holocaust Remembrance Day

KIRKLAND, WA—In honor of Holocaust Remembrance Day, 11-year-old Bobby Schwartz, the only Jewish student in Mrs. Yost's fifth grade class, was asked to explain how and why Hitler murdered six million Jews during World War II.

"I thought that it was important that the students hear what happened from someone directly related to the atrocity," said Yost of Schwartz, who simply rehashed the parts of Schindler's List his mother had allowed him to watch. "I could see that he was uncomfortable talking to the class, but I felt it was important for him to tell people about such a defining event in his past."

Yost said she saw similar discomfort last week when Shawanda Robinson, the only black student in the class, was called upon to explain why radio host Don Imus was fired.

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