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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Only Name Area Man Recognizes On Ballot 'Jill Stein'

ALTOONA, PA—After casting his vote in the presidential election this morning, Altoona voter Doug Lawson, 36, admitted to reporters outside his local polling station that the only name he recognized on the whole ballot was that of Green Party candidate Jill Stein. “I have to admit, I voted for Stein because she was literally the only one on there I’d even heard of,” said Lawson, who mentioned that the other names he saw “looked almost like fake names” to him. “I feel kind of bad, since I’m sure they all fought hard campaigns to get on the ballot. But looking at those names—Mitt Romney? Joe Biden?—I’m sorry, but I just have no idea who any of them are or what they stand for. In the end, I had to go with Jill. I know her.” Lawson then went on to tell reporters it was a shame how, every election, the list of non–Green Party candidates on the ballot was always “just a bunch of weird, no-name losers.”

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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