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Only Name Area Man Recognizes On Ballot 'Jill Stein'

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.
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Only Name Area Man Recognizes On Ballot 'Jill Stein'

ALTOONA, PA—After casting his vote in the presidential election this morning, Altoona voter Doug Lawson, 36, admitted to reporters outside his local polling station that the only name he recognized on the whole ballot was that of Green Party candidate Jill Stein. “I have to admit, I voted for Stein because she was literally the only one on there I’d even heard of,” said Lawson, who mentioned that the other names he saw “looked almost like fake names” to him. “I feel kind of bad, since I’m sure they all fought hard campaigns to get on the ballot. But looking at those names—Mitt Romney? Joe Biden?—I’m sorry, but I just have no idea who any of them are or what they stand for. In the end, I had to go with Jill. I know her.” Lawson then went on to tell reporters it was a shame how, every election, the list of non–Green Party candidates on the ballot was always “just a bunch of weird, no-name losers.”

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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