adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

Only Positive Statistic Of Year Announced

WASHINGTON—Amid a growing list of domestic and international concerns such as skyrocketing fuel prices, the slumping dollar, massive recalls of tainted food, the housing market collapse, and an increase in obesity, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals delivered the country's only positive statistic Tuesday when officials announced that cases of feline leukemia had stabilized. "In this current climate, we were all waiting for some good news," said Brad Gambrell, 37, an unemployed census worker. "With more infants perishing during childbirth, fewer citizens covered by health insurance, and air quality steadily worsening, it's a huge relief that the number of cats dying from this horrible disease is staying the same." Additional data showed that, upon hearing the news, hundreds of Americans who were being evicted from their homes or learning that they had colon cancer briefly experienced a glimmer of hope—a once-common sensation that has declined by 250 percent since 2002.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close