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Only Positive Statistic Of Year Announced

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Only Positive Statistic Of Year Announced

WASHINGTON—Amid a growing list of domestic and international concerns such as skyrocketing fuel prices, the slumping dollar, massive recalls of tainted food, the housing market collapse, and an increase in obesity, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals delivered the country's only positive statistic Tuesday when officials announced that cases of feline leukemia had stabilized. "In this current climate, we were all waiting for some good news," said Brad Gambrell, 37, an unemployed census worker. "With more infants perishing during childbirth, fewer citizens covered by health insurance, and air quality steadily worsening, it's a huge relief that the number of cats dying from this horrible disease is staying the same." Additional data showed that, upon hearing the news, hundreds of Americans who were being evicted from their homes or learning that they had colon cancer briefly experienced a glimmer of hope—a once-common sensation that has declined by 250 percent since 2002.

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