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Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Only Time Employee Has Ever Done Job Is When Training Replacement

SPRINGFIELD, MO—While training his replacement on his final day of work Thursday, outgoing warehouse shipping worker Ben Worthen, 29, reportedly performed the actual designated functions of his job for the first time in his entire two years of employment with the company. "What you need to do first is check the contents of each package and make sure the size, color, and product identification number match the order sheet," said the man who had never before carried out any of the tasks he was explaining and whose knowledge of the procedures came solely from recollections of his own training back in 2009. "If there's a discrepancy between the invoice and the packing slip, and you don't tell a manager about it, you can get seriously bitched out. Trust me." Worthen, who sources confirmed once managed to knock over five shelving units in the company storage facility, also explained that under no conditions would his replacement be authorized to drive a forklift.

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