adBlockCheck

Local

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
End Of Section
  • More News

Only Time Employee Has Ever Done Job Is When Training Replacement

SPRINGFIELD, MO—While training his replacement on his final day of work Thursday, outgoing warehouse shipping worker Ben Worthen, 29, reportedly performed the actual designated functions of his job for the first time in his entire two years of employment with the company. "What you need to do first is check the contents of each package and make sure the size, color, and product identification number match the order sheet," said the man who had never before carried out any of the tasks he was explaining and whose knowledge of the procedures came solely from recollections of his own training back in 2009. "If there's a discrepancy between the invoice and the packing slip, and you don't tell a manager about it, you can get seriously bitched out. Trust me." Worthen, who sources confirmed once managed to knock over five shelving units in the company storage facility, also explained that under no conditions would his replacement be authorized to drive a forklift.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close