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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Only Time Employee Has Ever Done Job Is When Training Replacement

SPRINGFIELD, MO—While training his replacement on his final day of work Thursday, outgoing warehouse shipping worker Ben Worthen, 29, reportedly performed the actual designated functions of his job for the first time in his entire two years of employment with the company. "What you need to do first is check the contents of each package and make sure the size, color, and product identification number match the order sheet," said the man who had never before carried out any of the tasks he was explaining and whose knowledge of the procedures came solely from recollections of his own training back in 2009. "If there's a discrepancy between the invoice and the packing slip, and you don't tell a manager about it, you can get seriously bitched out. Trust me." Worthen, who sources confirmed once managed to knock over five shelving units in the company storage facility, also explained that under no conditions would his replacement be authorized to drive a forklift.

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