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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Only Two Golden Tickets Remain

PHOENIX—A third Wonka Golden Ticket was discovered Monday by American used-car heiress Violet Beauregard, reducing the number of undiscovered tickets to two. "It is imperative that I obtain a Wonka ticket," Pittsburgh steel magnate Alfred Van Crowley said. "My billions of dollars and thousands of loyal employees are of no comfort to me if I cannot tour the fantastic and mysterious Wonka factory and, most importantly, claim for myself a lifetime supply of chocolate, the most important substance in the universe." All other citizens of Earth have responded similarly, depleting supermarkets and sweetshops of crates of Wonka bars the moment they arrive. Analysts have noted with alarm that, thus far, no dear, good-hearted children have located tickets, with the first three going to nasty, wicked children.

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