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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Open Floor Plan Increases Office Shooter’s Productivity By 95%

KANSAS CITY, MO—Carlyle Digital’s new open floor plan has increased the productivity of ex-employee and current office shooter Frank Pendrowski by at least 95 percent, the 37-year-old told reporters during his homicidal rampage on Monday. “I’m utilizing space in a much more efficient way, there are no obstacles for coworkers to hide behind, and if one of them tries to run, I can track them down nearly immediately,” Pendrowski told reporters as he rapidly headed down one of the office’s sleek, uncluttered corridors, indiscriminately unloading an M14 semiautomatic rifle into the bullpen-style work environment. “All the departments are integrated into this single cohesive unit—so if I suddenly want to head over to the sales team and gun every last one of them down, I can access them almost instantly. Even the CEO [Mark Greeley] sits out here with everyone else, so I can just pop over and shoot him in the back of the head, no problem. I’m getting so much done!” Pendrowski did admit, however, that the modern layout had likely decreased his creativity during the massacre by at least 50 percent.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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