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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Open Floor Plan Increases Office Shooter’s Productivity By 95%

KANSAS CITY, MO—Carlyle Digital’s new open floor plan has increased the productivity of ex-employee and current office shooter Frank Pendrowski by at least 95 percent, the 37-year-old told reporters during his homicidal rampage on Monday. “I’m utilizing space in a much more efficient way, there are no obstacles for coworkers to hide behind, and if one of them tries to run, I can track them down nearly immediately,” Pendrowski told reporters as he rapidly headed down one of the office’s sleek, uncluttered corridors, indiscriminately unloading an M14 semiautomatic rifle into the bullpen-style work environment. “All the departments are integrated into this single cohesive unit—so if I suddenly want to head over to the sales team and gun every last one of them down, I can access them almost instantly. Even the CEO [Mark Greeley] sits out here with everyone else, so I can just pop over and shoot him in the back of the head, no problem. I’m getting so much done!” Pendrowski did admit, however, that the modern layout had likely decreased his creativity during the massacre by at least 50 percent.

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