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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Open-Minded Music Lover Likes All Kinds Of Metal

LOGANSPORT, IN—Area music enthusiast Curt Webber, 22, is completely open to enjoying "all kinds" of metal, the self-described eclectic iconoclast said Monday. "Some people are so narrow-minded and uptight about music, but I'm into a wide variety of bands—everything from Sabbath to Disturbed," Webber said. "Whether it's the old stuff, like vintage Maiden or Priest; new stuff, like Mastodon or the Sword; the virtuosic neoclassicism of DragonForce; the unpolished rawness of, say, Motörhead; a multiplatinum band like the Crüe; an alternative act like Clutch; or just a local outfit like Soldiers of Carnage here in town—power metal, speed metal, glam metal, thrash metal, death metal, nü metal, metal-core, or even Norwegian black metal—it's all music to me, man." Webber conceded that the one musical style he simply cannot abide is rap metal.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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