adBlockCheck

Recent News

Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

Opening Band Upstaged By Pre-Show Music

MINNEAPOLIS—The Vic Taybacks, opening for Superchunk at 400 Bar Tuesday, were upstaged by the pre-show music on the venue's sound system. "While we were setting up our stuff, [Hüsker Dü's] Flip Your Wig was playing, and the crowd was going nuts," said Vic Taybacks bassist Geoff Davis. "Then we started playing, and it got quiet and everybody just sort of drifted off to the bar." The band has previously been upstaged by Queen's Greatest Hits and the Repo Man soundtrack.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close