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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Opening Staff Rails Against Incompetence Of Closing Staff

Like the morning crew has nothing better to do at 6 a.m. than scrape the grill, pile menus, and zero the register.
Like the morning crew has nothing better to do at 6 a.m. than scrape the grill, pile menus, and zero the register.

ATHENS, GA—Citing a recent rash of barely mopped floors, sloppy register work, and general negligence, the opening staff of local restaurant Dom's issued a harsh proclamation this week, saying it would no longer endure the half-assed performance of the closing staff.

"Enough is enough," said Dan Vichas, who has worked the opening shift for more than a year and always gets stuck taking out the trash even though it's not his job. "Look at this: They filled this bucket full of damp rags and then left them to sit over night, which they totally know they're not supposed to do. Now I have to fill the bucket full of water, add bleach, and then dry the towels out properly—in addition to everything else on my prep list."

Added Vichas, "Closing staff sucks."

Explaining that it is by no means an exhaustive list, a.m. crew members said their "major grievances" against the closing staff include: failure to turn off the basement lights, egregiously leaving dirty dishes soaking in the washbasin after closing, repeated improper stacking of chairs, that one time they left the condiments out all night, tossing aprons near but not directly in the laundry hamper as directed, and acting like a bunch of big shots who own the place just because they get to have beer at the end of their shift.

"When you've been doing this job as long as I have you get a sixth sense about things," Vichas said. "Even though they check the box that says 'Rotate fixin' bar,' you can tell all they do is smooth out the cream cheese so it looks fresh. If we didn't have to rotate the ingredients for the closing staff, it would never, ever get done. And then where would they be?"

Outraged opening staff sources told reporters that past protestations about the closing staff's incompetence have thus far gone unanswered, confirming what Vichas and others believe to be the closing staff's utter lack of respect, not to mention the fact that assistant manager Matt is clearly screwing that Alyssa girl on the closing staff so of course they get preferential treatment.

"I try to be diplomatic, but it's just so ridiculous what they get away with," opening staff worker Megan Klein said. "It's like they don't even care. Right now there's three or four straw wrappers in the ice machine. And the bathroom floor is completely littered with paper towels. I'm sorry, but that's just insane."

Vichas and his coworkers have long speculated about why the second shift attracts only slackers who don't seem to care about doing their jobs right, while the morning shift is staffed with people who take pride in their work. Vichas suggested that arrogance plays a large part in the closing staff's poor work ethic.

"They make, like, twice as many tips as we do, so they go around thinking they're hot shit," Vichas said. "But the fact is, if we weren't on the ball, day in and day out, busting our butts over here, closing staff would be totally screwed."

Continued Vichas, "We've talked about doing a half-assed job, just once, to show the closing staff what it's like, but if we did that then they'd probably just whine about it to [owner] Karl [Griffin] and he'd get in our faces about how certain things need to be done so that all the shifts work smoothly. He totally loves closing shift."

When reached for comment, closing staff worker Chad Paulson told reporters that he had his own reservations about the work done during Dom's six-to-midnight shift.

"I've been on closing staff for five months, and I really don't know how much longer I can keep doing it," Paulson said. "I might make a few extra bucks in tips, but the stress of dealing with nonstop drunken college kids just isn't worth it. If I didn't have another job during the day, I would definitely join opening staff. I hear they pretty much just hang out and bitch the whole time."

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