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Openly Drunk Senator Tillis' Campaign Promises

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
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Openly Drunk Senator Tillis' Campaign Promises

Senator Dave Tillis rode a wave of popular support last November to become the first openly drunk senator in U.S. history. More recently, Senator Tillis has seen his poll numbers sink as the public expresses frustration with broken, so-called drunken campaign promises. Below is a list of such promises pulled from Senator Tillis' speeches:

"I'm gonna fix the economy by giving everyone jobs. There is so much to do, everyone can get jobs helping to do it!" -- before autoworkers in Muncie, IN on Oct. 11, 2010

"I'm gonna make a law that if you want medicine or food or clothing because you're cold or anything like that then there will be a guy who will give it to you no questions asked. And if you can't pay him then you can just get him back later and he'd be cool with that. It'd be the law." -- at a Milwaukee, WI children’s hospital on Oct. 19, 2010

"In every town in America there's going to be a movie theater that just plays like good old movies, or actually you can vote for what movie you want to see and they'll show it and there are couches and they serve beer and stuff and it's just a good time, and it costs, it's free to go because it's just owned by this rich guy who just does it because he loves it." -- to city of Akron, OH on Oct. 21, 2010

"There will be a tram, or a lot of trams, that will take you anywhere for free, even your house or Vegas or your wife's house." -- On Meet The Press on Oct. 23, 2010

"We're not going to have any taxes anymore. Can you hear me? No taxes! And I'm gonna fix all the problems. How does that sound ladies? If you like it say "yeah." -- to the Women's Voting Caucus on Nov. 1, 2010

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