Openly Drunk Senator Tillis' Campaign Promises

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Vol 47 Issue 07

Trail Blazers Down To One Working Knee

PORTLAND, OR—According to sources close to the injury-plagued Portland Trail Blazers, after a series of knee injuries to center Marcus Camby and All-Star guard Brandon Roy, the team is now officially down to one good knee.

Tim Duncan Urges All-Stars To Use Inside Voice During Game

LOS ANGELES—Saying he understands how excited everyone can get during an All-Star game, Spurs center Tim Duncan made it clear Saturday that since the game is held inside the Staples Center, he expects members of both teams to put their outside voice...

Area Dad Just Wants Computer With The Basics

EDISON, NJ—Wary of paying too much for a new computer loaded with unnecessary bells and whistles, area dad Paul Moyers, 52, announced Friday that he just wants a regular, no-frills PC with only the basics.

Military Releases Drone's Suicide Note

In a shocking turn of events, embattled military drone plane TR425 destroyed itself. Military officials released the following suicide note written by the airplane.

Healthy Living Tips For Shawnas

Having a healthy lifestyle isn't just about staying out of the sun (or out of a tanning bed). Here are some simple tips to help Shawnas participate in a healthier life.
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Openly Drunk Senator Tillis' Campaign Promises

Senator Dave Tillis rode a wave of popular support last November to become the first openly drunk senator in U.S. history. More recently, Senator Tillis has seen his poll numbers sink as the public expresses frustration with broken, so-called drunken campaign promises. Below is a list of such promises pulled from Senator Tillis' speeches:

"I'm gonna fix the economy by giving everyone jobs. There is so much to do, everyone can get jobs helping to do it!" -- before autoworkers in Muncie, IN on Oct. 11, 2010

"I'm gonna make a law that if you want medicine or food or clothing because you're cold or anything like that then there will be a guy who will give it to you no questions asked. And if you can't pay him then you can just get him back later and he'd be cool with that. It'd be the law." -- at a Milwaukee, WI children’s hospital on Oct. 19, 2010

"In every town in America there's going to be a movie theater that just plays like good old movies, or actually you can vote for what movie you want to see and they'll show it and there are couches and they serve beer and stuff and it's just a good time, and it costs, it's free to go because it's just owned by this rich guy who just does it because he loves it." -- to city of Akron, OH on Oct. 21, 2010

"There will be a tram, or a lot of trams, that will take you anywhere for free, even your house or Vegas or your wife's house." -- On Meet The Press on Oct. 23, 2010

"We're not going to have any taxes anymore. Can you hear me? No taxes! And I'm gonna fix all the problems. How does that sound ladies? If you like it say "yeah." -- to the Women's Voting Caucus on Nov. 1, 2010

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