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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Opposing Team Terrified After Seeing Home Fans All Wearing Same Color T-Shirt

OKLAHOMA CITY—Describing the atmosphere as the most daunting they have ever encountered, Clippers players expressed their utter terror and panic Tuesday night upon taking the floor against the Thunder and discovering every spectator in the arena wearing the same white T-shirt. “When I first saw that sea of white shirts out there, I just remember thinking, ‘Oh my God, what have we gotten ourselves into here?’” said Clippers center DeAndre Jordan, noting that he and his teammates were absolutely crippled with fear after realizing the T-shirts worn by the Oklahoma City fans were not only the same color, but also had the same “Thunder” logo printed on the front. “Then they all started chanting “De-fense! De-fense!” while we had the ball, and we just didn’t know what to do. We’ve played in hostile environments before, but that—I don’t ever want to face that again.” Following his team’s loss, Clippers head coach Doc Rivers admitted to reporters that his players simply couldn’t overcome the fans’ wild cheers when the phrase “Let’s Get Loud!” was displayed on the arena’s Jumbotron.

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