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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Opposing Team Terrified After Seeing Home Fans All Wearing Same Color T-Shirt

OKLAHOMA CITY—Describing the atmosphere as the most daunting they have ever encountered, Clippers players expressed their utter terror and panic Tuesday night upon taking the floor against the Thunder and discovering every spectator in the arena wearing the same white T-shirt. “When I first saw that sea of white shirts out there, I just remember thinking, ‘Oh my God, what have we gotten ourselves into here?’” said Clippers center DeAndre Jordan, noting that he and his teammates were absolutely crippled with fear after realizing the T-shirts worn by the Oklahoma City fans were not only the same color, but also had the same “Thunder” logo printed on the front. “Then they all started chanting “De-fense! De-fense!” while we had the ball, and we just didn’t know what to do. We’ve played in hostile environments before, but that—I don’t ever want to face that again.” Following his team’s loss, Clippers head coach Doc Rivers admitted to reporters that his players simply couldn’t overcome the fans’ wild cheers when the phrase “Let’s Get Loud!” was displayed on the arena’s Jumbotron.

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