Opposition To Soda Ban Sad Proof That Americans Still Fight For What They Believe In

Top Headlines

Recent News

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:

What Smoking A Cigarette Does To The Body

With the FDA recently pulling multiple cigarette brands off the market, the conversation surrounding the harmful effects of smoking has been returning in full force to the national stage. Here is what happens to your body as you smoke a cigarette
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Fantasy Sports

Opposition To Soda Ban Sad Proof That Americans Still Fight For What They Believe In

NEW YORK—The mounting opposition to New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s proposal to prohibit the sale of large-size soft drinks served as sad and sobering proof that Americans are still willing to fight for the causes they believe in, sources confirmed Wednesday. “While many argue that people in this country lack the passion and general informedness to meaningfully participate in matters of public policy, the fierce outcry against the soda ban provides depressing evidence that this is not entirely true,” said New York University sociologist Dr. Marvin Schafer, pointing to the recent flux of pathetic petitions, public demonstrations, and fervent calls to the mayor’s office, all of which have been aimed at maintaining unimpeded access to soda and other sweetened beverages larger than 16 ounces. “This embarrassingly powerful demonstration of democracy shows that, when their backs are against the wall, Americans are unfortunately still very willing to band together and stand up for what they believe in most. Specifically, soda.” At press time, an online petition demanding the White House make clear its position on the use of combat drone strikes against American citizens had garnered 14 signatures.