Oprah's Contraceptive Club Prevents 450,000 Pregnancies In First Month

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Vol 32 Issue 01

Johnsville, Il, Renamed Walmart #11717

JOHNSVILLE, IL—In a special town-square ceremony Friday, Mayor Byron Elkins officially renamed the town of Johnsville, IL, pop. 2,372, WalMart #11717. "All WalMart #11717ians can be proud to call WalMart #11717 their home," the mayor said. "I think we can all agree that WalMart #11717 is a wonderful place to work and shop." Added Elkins: "Go WalMart #11717 High Cougars!" Other residents of WalMart #11717 were equally enthusiastic. "The arrival of WalMart in our town this year caused dozens of stores to close, eliminating over 400 jobs," said greeter and mother of three Marianne Gross. "But on the bright side, nearly 150 jobs have been created by the new store." Citizens of WalMart #11717 who behave will receive a subcutaneous corporate-identification implant chip good for an employee discount at any WalMart store.

Pierced Tongue Fails To Make Local Woman Less Boring

COLLEGE STATION, TX—Sources within the tongue-piercing community revealed Monday that area resident Jen Macalester, 20, is no less boring now than she was prior to last week's tongue-piercing at the Piercing Pagoda in College Station's CrossGates Mall. While Macalester had hoped the tongue ring would give her "an edgy, dangerous, anti-establishment air," in actuality it did little to disguise her unremarkable personality and utterly predictable tastes. In the wake of the piercing failure, Macalester has reportedly been significantly cheered up by Tuesday's release of the new 311 album.

Mars Probe Destroyed By Orbiting Spielberg-Gates Space Palace

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—NASA officials have confirmed that the space agency's $170 million Mars Rover was destroyed Sunday by a ship-to-ship phaser fired from the defense array of the $950 billion Spielberg-Gates Space Palace, an opulent, Rhode Island-sized orbiting mansion which serves as an outer-space getaway for moviemaker Steven Spielberg and computer magnate Bill Gates. While powerless to counterattack, NASA pleaded with Spielberg and Gates to be more merciful with NASA equipment in the future. "While we greatly respect the advances Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Gates have made with their privately funded space fleet, and we apologize for our unauthorized entrance into their orbit zone, we beseech them to share the solar system with us." Spokespersons for Spielberg and Gates said the two ardent video-game enthusiasts were "just playing."

Jean's Karaoke Krazy!

So there I was last Friday night, wondering where the heck hubby Rick was. He had promised to take me to see Con Air, but it was almost 15 minutes until the start of the movie and still no Rick. I called the tire center where he works, but there was no answer. Great, I thought, he's probably out at Tacky's Tavern, and I'll be stuck home tonight all alone. I changed out of my nice sweats, climbed into bed and turned on QVC.

Zweibel Goes A-Courtin'

The estate was awash in jollity and good tidings this week during the wedding of my great-great-great grandniece Violet Carstairs Zweibel to some pansy who is heir to a vast gelatin fortune. Though the ceremony was held in my own court-yard, I was locked in my bed-chamber, doubtless out of fear that I would create a scene. Lousy ingrate family of mine!

Area Tank Top Strained Nearly To Breaking Point

SMYRNA, GA—A Smyrna-area tank top is under fire from local menswear advocates, who say the garment is so severely strained that it is in imminent danger of succumbing to explosive and potentially dangerous fabric-degradation-related rupture.
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Oprah's Contraceptive Club Prevents 450,000 Pregnancies In First Month

CHICAGO—Television talk-show host Oprah Winfrey, regarded by many as the most powerful woman in the media, has once again taken the TV industry by surprise with the success of her on-air Contraceptive Of The Month Club.

Oprah's Contraceptive Club Prevents 450,000 Pregnancies In First Month

The much-hyped follow-up to her hugely successful Book Of The Month Club, the four-week-old Contraceptive Club has already prevented an estimated 450,000 unplanned pregnancies.

Just as some doubted that Winfrey would be able to convince her couch-bound, sub-literate viewers to read, many observers were skeptical that she could pull off the seemingly impossible task of explaining contraception to her working-class, constantly breeding audience.

"The response has been incredible," show producer Liz Frey said.

According to Frey, sales for last month's featured contraceptive device, the Leafbreeze(TM) Spermicidal Vaginal Sponge, more than quadrupled in the weeks following its selection.

Popular TV talk-show host Oprah Winfrey has convinced thousands of her loyal viewers to forego their usual wanton, unchecked procreation.

During last month's special episode, the studio audience watched carefully and was uncharacteristically quiet as Winfrey explained, slowly and with no big words, the fundamentals of reproductive biology and family planning. In doing so, Winfrey exposed her largely white, female, unemployed, lower-middle-class audience to the concept of "pregnancy avoidance" for what was, in most cases, the first time in their lives.
"Oprah's right," said Shelley Collica of Jackson, MS, a longtime Oprah viewer and mother of seven. "I never looked at it quite this way before, but if you think about it, there's no reason that a woman has to be pregnant all the time."

Oprah's Contraceptive Club is being promoted not only on episodes of her show, but also on a series of 30-second tie-in ads featuring various housewives dancing around their living rooms to uptempo Motown music and giving the "thumbs up" sign while repeating the catchphrases "I'm Not Pregnant For The First Time, And It Feels Great!" and "Contraception Is A-Oprah-K!"

The club's success has been so overwhelming that many leading contraceptive manufacturers are clamoring to have their product be next month's featured selection.

"Sales of the 'female condom' have been disappointingly low, due largely to the public's perception of condoms as a 'male-identified' purchase item," said Lydia DeVos, a spokesperson for Dylex Pharmaceuticals, the company that first developed the female condom. "But since the vast majority of Oprah's viewers have never even heard of a condom in any form to begin with, we feel that a plug on her show could spark a major surge in our sales."

Public-relations executives from Trojan, Sheik and 'Phragmtastic! are also aggressively lobbying for selection by Winfrey's club.

With Winfrey's latest crusade another unqualified success, even the most skeptical concede that her power to get TV viewers to unflinchingly do whatever she tells them is virtually limitless. Among Winfrey's future ventures: an "Eating With A Knife And Fork Club"; a "Not Throwing Things On The Floor Club"; and, perhaps most ambitious of all, a Breathing With Your Mouth Closed instructional videotape.

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