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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Orange Cone Impresses Scouts At NFL Combine

INDIANAPOLIS—Scouts at the 2013 NFL Combine are reportedly abuzz over a 3-inch orange cone whose draft stock is skyrocketing after a standout performance in the first two days of the annual talent showcase. “I don’t think any of us have seen a cone dominate the combine like this since at least ’87,” said Philadelphia Eagles general manager Howie Roseman of the tough, durable SEC cone, which outshined two other highly touted pieces of plastic during the three-cone drill. “This cone is real solid. Great poise out there and just fearless in the middle of the field. Probably too small to be a pylon, but a creative franchise could find a lot of uses for that cone during training camp.”At press time, sources confirmed that the cone was rolling around on the ground in pain after colliding with Florida defensive tackle Sharrif Floyd.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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