adBlockCheck

Orgy A Logistical Nightmare

Top Headlines

Local

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Orgy A Logistical Nightmare

CANTON, OH—Despite his excitement about the upcoming sexual free-for-all, first-time orgy organizer Jerry Belsner, 33, admitted Monday that planning the event has been a logistical nightmare.

Belsner calls a potential participant.

"You have no idea what I've been through the last few weeks," Belsner said. "Everything that could possibly go wrong has. But I'm still determined to make this the best orgy ever. If I live to see it, that is."

Belsner said the complications began soon after he started planning the orgy, scheduled for April 26 at his house.

"I'm not naïve enough to think orgies just 'happen,' so I started making calls," Belsner said. "I was going to cover all the expenses myself, but when I started factoring in all the stuff we needed—snacks, liquor, handcuffs, condoms, lube, porno videos, anal beads, batteries for the vibrators, a Slip-N-Slide—it became clear that my wallet was going to take a major hit. So now I have to chase down everybody and try to get them to pitch in a little cash."

Many of Belsner's headaches have stemmed from the difficulty of having to accommodate the widely varying sexual tastes of the participants.

"Randy doesn't want pornos playing because he finds them distracting," Belsner said. "But Phil says he can't get hard without one. So do I have two rooms, one with pornos and one without? And Karen wants hardcore orgy-themed porn while Marc only wants girl-on-girl or softcore. I could have a whole bunch of different rooms, but if you spread everybody out too thin, it'll just wind up being a bunch of separate two- and three-ways instead of one massive fuckfest."

Continued Belsner: "I was going to lay a tarp down in one room so people could oil each other up without damaging my rugs. But do I put the tarp in the porn room or the other one? Why does group sex have to be so complicated?"

One aspect of the orgy Belsner regrets changing is the theme. Originally slated to be a Roman-toga affair, the event was switched to a Mexican theme to indulge Belsner's fetish for naked women in sombreros.

"That was stupid of me," he said. "Mexican food isn't really good for an orgy: No one wants to lick salsa off someone's privates. But I'd already spent two nights Photoshopping sombreros onto the nude pictures on the invitation, so I can't back out now."

Orgy plans, a to-do list

Another complication has been selecting adult toys for the event.

"I figured I'd have a few strap-on dildos and some vibrators," Belsner said. "I'd like people to have as much fun as possible, but I only have a handful of silk scarves for light bondage and one vibrating butt plug. Do I ask people to bring their own stuff? I'd rather have guests just show up and fuck, but it'd be nice to have toys to pass around. Maybe I can find a place that rents butterfly fuck-swings, then decorate one like a piñata."

Though already "way stressed," Belsner said he expects his anxiety level to increase as the day of the orgy approaches.

"I don't know when I'm going to find the time to clean and set everything up," Belsner said. "My boss asked me to go to Columbus for a conference Wednesday. What am I going to tell him, 'Sorry, I have an orgy to prepare'? When this all started, Tony [Rusan] and Nate [Farris] said they'd help, but they haven't done jack shit except get a cheap sex doll that I'm probably going to have to blow up myself."

Another growing concern is the male-female ratio. The orgy, Belsner said, currently skews heavily toward men.

"Ideally, I wanted two girls for every guy," Belsner said. "As it stands now, it looks like I'll be lucky if I have one girl for every two guys. Of the yes responses, I've got ten men and four women. And two of those four women said they'd only come if the male-female ratio was 50/50, which doesn't look likely. If only two women show up, that's not an orgy, that's a gangbang."

Though Belsner has considered taking out a classified ad seeking female orgy participants in his local newspaper's "alternative lifestyles" section, he characterized that as "a last resort."

"You just don't know what kind of people an ad will bring," Belsner said. "I'd rather just keep it small and intimate. This is my first orgy, and I'd really like it to be people I know. Or at least friends of friends. I've been asking the guys to bring any willing females along, but I probably shouldn't count on it."

Art Schonbrod, noted swinger and author of Think Globally, Swing Locally, said Belsner's frustrations are common among first-time orgy organizers.

"Most first-timers are amazed to discover just how much goes into planning an orgy," Schonbrod said. "From the music to the props to the invite list, it can be extremely stressful. But the planner has to remember that, ultimately, all that stuff is peripheral. The most important thing is celebrating the union of friends and acquaintances in a wild night of mass sexual congress. If [Belsner] keeps his perspective and doesn't let all these hassles get to him, he'll have an orgy to remember for years."

"I'm sure it'll all work out okay, and that everybody will have a great time," said Belsner, dialing a Mexican restaurant to inquire about catering prices. "As for me, I'll just be happy when it's over."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close