Orgy A Logistical Nightmare

Top Headlines

Local

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Sleep

Orgy A Logistical Nightmare

CANTON, OH—Despite his excitement about the upcoming sexual free-for-all, first-time orgy organizer Jerry Belsner, 33, admitted Monday that planning the event has been a logistical nightmare.

Belsner calls a potential participant.

"You have no idea what I've been through the last few weeks," Belsner said. "Everything that could possibly go wrong has. But I'm still determined to make this the best orgy ever. If I live to see it, that is."

Belsner said the complications began soon after he started planning the orgy, scheduled for April 26 at his house.

"I'm not naïve enough to think orgies just 'happen,' so I started making calls," Belsner said. "I was going to cover all the expenses myself, but when I started factoring in all the stuff we needed—snacks, liquor, handcuffs, condoms, lube, porno videos, anal beads, batteries for the vibrators, a Slip-N-Slide—it became clear that my wallet was going to take a major hit. So now I have to chase down everybody and try to get them to pitch in a little cash."

Many of Belsner's headaches have stemmed from the difficulty of having to accommodate the widely varying sexual tastes of the participants.

"Randy doesn't want pornos playing because he finds them distracting," Belsner said. "But Phil says he can't get hard without one. So do I have two rooms, one with pornos and one without? And Karen wants hardcore orgy-themed porn while Marc only wants girl-on-girl or softcore. I could have a whole bunch of different rooms, but if you spread everybody out too thin, it'll just wind up being a bunch of separate two- and three-ways instead of one massive fuckfest."

Continued Belsner: "I was going to lay a tarp down in one room so people could oil each other up without damaging my rugs. But do I put the tarp in the porn room or the other one? Why does group sex have to be so complicated?"

One aspect of the orgy Belsner regrets changing is the theme. Originally slated to be a Roman-toga affair, the event was switched to a Mexican theme to indulge Belsner's fetish for naked women in sombreros.

"That was stupid of me," he said. "Mexican food isn't really good for an orgy: No one wants to lick salsa off someone's privates. But I'd already spent two nights Photoshopping sombreros onto the nude pictures on the invitation, so I can't back out now."

Orgy plans, a to-do list

Another complication has been selecting adult toys for the event.

"I figured I'd have a few strap-on dildos and some vibrators," Belsner said. "I'd like people to have as much fun as possible, but I only have a handful of silk scarves for light bondage and one vibrating butt plug. Do I ask people to bring their own stuff? I'd rather have guests just show up and fuck, but it'd be nice to have toys to pass around. Maybe I can find a place that rents butterfly fuck-swings, then decorate one like a piñata."

Though already "way stressed," Belsner said he expects his anxiety level to increase as the day of the orgy approaches.

"I don't know when I'm going to find the time to clean and set everything up," Belsner said. "My boss asked me to go to Columbus for a conference Wednesday. What am I going to tell him, 'Sorry, I have an orgy to prepare'? When this all started, Tony [Rusan] and Nate [Farris] said they'd help, but they haven't done jack shit except get a cheap sex doll that I'm probably going to have to blow up myself."

Another growing concern is the male-female ratio. The orgy, Belsner said, currently skews heavily toward men.

"Ideally, I wanted two girls for every guy," Belsner said. "As it stands now, it looks like I'll be lucky if I have one girl for every two guys. Of the yes responses, I've got ten men and four women. And two of those four women said they'd only come if the male-female ratio was 50/50, which doesn't look likely. If only two women show up, that's not an orgy, that's a gangbang."

Though Belsner has considered taking out a classified ad seeking female orgy participants in his local newspaper's "alternative lifestyles" section, he characterized that as "a last resort."

"You just don't know what kind of people an ad will bring," Belsner said. "I'd rather just keep it small and intimate. This is my first orgy, and I'd really like it to be people I know. Or at least friends of friends. I've been asking the guys to bring any willing females along, but I probably shouldn't count on it."

Art Schonbrod, noted swinger and author of Think Globally, Swing Locally, said Belsner's frustrations are common among first-time orgy organizers.

"Most first-timers are amazed to discover just how much goes into planning an orgy," Schonbrod said. "From the music to the props to the invite list, it can be extremely stressful. But the planner has to remember that, ultimately, all that stuff is peripheral. The most important thing is celebrating the union of friends and acquaintances in a wild night of mass sexual congress. If [Belsner] keeps his perspective and doesn't let all these hassles get to him, he'll have an orgy to remember for years."

"I'm sure it'll all work out okay, and that everybody will have a great time," said Belsner, dialing a Mexican restaurant to inquire about catering prices. "As for me, I'll just be happy when it's over."